Well, this year has just been crazy!
- Finishing up Chemo
- Bekah graduated
- Bilateral mastectomy
- Started back to work - in person - during COVID 19 pandemic
- Bekah started college
- Reconstruction surgery
- Back to work- in person again - after a 6 week closure
And that just gets us to December.
I have been frustrated with myself this year for feeling tired, for getting sick at times due to meds, for being weak. So many people have told me to be gentle with myself. I felt frustrated by that too. And as I look at this list tears fall down my face. WOW....This body has been through it! And here I stand. Weak, tired, healed but not yet fully well, working to figure out this new body I reside in. And sometimes it just isn't pretty. BUT, I'm standing!
And Oh my! I have laughed. I get to go to work with some wonderful adults and even more wonderful children! What a privilege it is it do the work I do. My job is, for the most part, a place and space of joy and wonder. I am so thankful everyday that I get to go there. It makes it easier to get out of bed when I am sick or weak or tired.
When I was going through treatment I remember seeing a flyer in the oncology office. It said something to the effect of, "done with treatment? Now what? come to this support group for more information" that's the general sentiment anyway. And I wondered why in the world anyone would need support in knowing what to do next. You go live your life.....right? Well, yes. But not really. Here is the 100% truth. A year ago I was fighting stage IV (that's 4 if you don't know your roman numerals) breast cancer. Today I am cancer free. Today I also have to go to Physical therapy to learn to use this body I have. Today I have to see my oncologist (whom I adore) once a month. Today I have to take meds. Meds that make me sick and hurt. Meds that suppress my immune system Today I have to have "routine" PET scans every 3 or 4 months. Now I'm wondering if I can find that flyer somewhere! Goodness, it's a lot to process. And the "routine" PET scans incite a terror in me I cannot even begin to describe. (Any survivors out there who can relate? I would love to hear from you on how you cope with this) It is completely out of my control and it is very real! So, when my oncologist says it's time again I start the cycle again. I have tools, and I use them. But OH MAN! This is work folks! No two ways about it, staying sane and in my body for the week leading up to a PET scan is a full time job! If you pray, I would appreciate your prayers! If you worship, sing for me! I deeply appreciate it. Next "routine" PET scan on May 10.
I keep putting quotation marks around routine because these tests are anything but that! They check you in and put you in a room that has a biohazard sign on the door with a warning. You are invited to sit in a comfy recliner in said room. You know, the one with the warning on the door. Then, a nurse in full hazmat gear comes in and asks if you are comfy. Then, if you are comfy, shoots you up with radioactive dye. I'm not joking, it comes in a stainless steel syringe in a small carrying case with foam in it. And then they invite you to sit back, relax and take a nap while the dye pulses through your veins. Then the fun really begins as they invite you into the scan room where you get to lay down with your arms over your head (which is tricky when you've had a mastectomy) in a tube not much larger than an MRI tube. Oh the joy! Then, after 20 to 30 minutes, you get to get out of the tube and they tell you that you can go about your normal life....except for coming in contact with pregnant women or newborn babies. That inspires confidence! Generally I spend the next 4 to 5 hours throwing up....so, yeah, normal life! (: Truly, I would love some prayer around this. I'm not the bravest soul when it comes time for this.
And as I write this I am listening to a new album, Old Church Basement. One song in particular
wait on you - Elevation Worship with Maverick City Music
and as I write about my very real fears I listen to these very real truths and find peace once again. "That's what happens when you wait!"
My dear friends, this wild ride has been so challenging and so rewarding and is ongoing. I did not realize it would be. I figured I would end this blog because I was done. But I'm not done yet. And this is a really helpful outlet. So, thanks for sticking with me on this journey!
Until next time!
