This was written in early March, 2023. I wrote it and forgot about it.
I cam back here today to write. I would say almost the same thing today. So, I'm publishing this today and will write more in a few days.
Grief. It's ugly.
Grief. I've read tons of beautiful quotes on grief over the years. Sometimes in my life they hit home. Other times they have helped me feel empathy for loved ones experiencing grief. in the last 6 months I think I understand them all more deeply.
My brother died 6 months ago. It was a Tuesday. The ground came out from under my feet that day. I've been trying, fighting, hoping to find my footing ever since. It was completely unexpected and still feels unreal.
This past Saturday was his birthday. He would have been 55. He was beautiful and talented and big and strong. He was my brother, my friend a really decent human. He was flawed, as all humans are flawed. But he was mine, ours, and I loved him always. Until October 26 I had never lived a day on this earth without him. The world is different without him. Hollow. I had a thought on Saturday, it makes no sense whatsoever. But does grief make sense? I don't think so... It occurred to me that 3 years I will all of the sudden be older than my big brother. I wont have an older brother anymore.
His death changes everything. And yet we are all trying to live life like we did the seconds before he left this earth. I don't know how to do this. I don't want to know how to do this.
I am awake at 1am, crying and agonizing, so I decided to write. I don't even know if I will ever publish this. I just needed to get this out.
Pat
I miss you
It should be me
You should still be here
momma and daddy are devastated
Anna and Eli think of you every minute
Katy is brave and strong and lost without you
I think you took my music with you the day you died.
I cant sing. I forgot all the words to all the songs my heart used to know.
I love you
Rest easy
I will love you always.
My heart wont ever really heal.
J
