Chemo, Corona and Quarantine

Wow!  what an odd two weeks it has been!  It feels like I wrote my last blog in a whole different world.  I pray this finds you all finding joy in your days and peace in your soul.
Peace in the midst of trouble is so important and CAN be found!  I promise you that!  If I can find peace within a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, you can find it in the midst of this Coronavirus outbreak.

• Every day find at least one thing for which you are thankful!  Start your day with this practice and it will help you move into a peaceful place.  It will aslo help you notice other things throughout your day that you can add to this list, just building on it!  When you begin to feel the strain, go back over the list.  Sometimes, especially at first, you have to do this again and again throughout the day. But thats ok!  You are building a new habit.  Soon, this will be your norm!
• When you find yourself feeling stressed/worried/terrified/anxious get up and move your body.  Changing your physical perspective will also help you to change your emotional perspective.  As you move, talk to yourself (or God!) about the feelings, but then let them go.  Oh, and , when I say talk, I mean OUT LOUD!  It really does help release those feelings from your mind and body so you can move on without holding them in you anymore!
• Find things that help set the tone for peace in your home.  My things are candles or diffusers with comforting/favorite smells, Music that I love. Often it is worship music, but often it is 80's music turnned all the way up as well!  (:  Up to you!
•  And I have started making my bed every day.  When I walk into my room now I see peace and tranquility, not mess.  If you don't do this, I highly recommend it!  
• check in with at least one person each day to see how THEY are doing!  
• Check in with at least one person a day to let them know how you are doing!
• Reach out for conversation or help if you need it.  Especially now, people may not know you need assistance, but would likely be happy to provide it!
• get outside everyday!  walk, sit in the sun, rake a patch of grass, just stand there....but get outside!  Feel the sun and the breeze on your face.  It is so important!

So there!  That is how I began coping with my isolation long before the isolation that the whole country is now experiencing.  I was doing this for 8 weeks before this.  I just want to encourage you, it does get easier and there is so much that you can control about this to help keep your mood and spirit elevated!  We can all get through this!

Yesterday I went in for infusion #5 of 8!!!!!  Yay!  And I am so happy to say that for today, I do not feel "day after chemo" effects.  I started a new drug yesterday and they said that it may be easier.  So far that is true and I could not be happier or more grateful!  My oncologist has been almost giddy the last two times I have seen him, as my body is responding to treatment very well!  That is so encouraging!

With Jesus, Chemo and all the support I have been getting I am gonna beat this!  I feel strong and confident.  Strong unless you ask me to walk up a hill....then I am pretty weak and out of breath!  (:  But working on it!

Last week I had a uique 24 hours with God.  My faith was shaken and I was afraid. So I began to cry out to him.  He took me to 1 Corinthians 13, which is all about love.  We use it in weddings a lot, or when someone we love hurts us we use it show how they have not been loving us correctly (OH wait...is that just me that does that?!?!) But this is really the model of how God loves us.  Each and every one of us!  And then, in another place in the bible it talks about how perfect love (Gods love) casts out all fear.  This is the cliff notes version of what happenned, because this took place over the course of 16 to 20 hours.  But I was so blessed and grateful for the time.  And for the reminder!  God is good.  He loves perfectly. And if I trust that and sit in that, I am not afraid!  #truth

Beautiful Things. This song is an older one, but seems very relevant for this time in my life and in the world!  Take a listen!  

So much love and grace to each of you!  Praying blessings and peace to you during this time!  

I truly have been doing the isolation thing for a LONG time now, so if you need to reach out....do it!  I understand!  XO

Blessings until next time!

Also, chemo has made my fingers feel thick and typing is rough!  I am doing my best to proof this, but please just forgive anything I have missed!  XO

My eyebrows have abandoned me!

Yep, it's true...well, mostly true. My eyebrows are jumping ship more each day!  Dang!  My eyelashes too.  Some are holding on, but they are much more thin.

Now, I have become VERY comfortable with walking around bald.  (more on this to come) But I really don't want to look like a naked mole rat or one of those horrible, bald cats. (appoligies to anyone who may own one of those) So, am experiementing with false eyelashes and desperately trying to figure out how to fill in my eyebrows without looking angry, or like a lego animation figure!  (:  Ah!  Well, I suppose it could be worse. 

Last weekend I wanted to go for a walk with a friend and could not get my scarf tied.  Could. Not. Do. It.  No idea why.  So, I did what any mature adult would do, I threw the scarf and cried. Real mature.  But grief is like that, isnt it.  You never know when it's going to hit and it won't really make sense when it does.  I am still grieving my hair for sure.  But also, just the situation.  When I first got the diagnosis I felt a deep, profound sadness.  That hit again for a bit saturday when I could not tie the stupid scarf.  But then, I called a friend who is so good at just letting me cry, not trying to fix me.  And I went to visit my other friend and we went for a walk in the beautiful weather (I think in Colorado this is called "fools spring"  But it sure has been nice to walk outside) sat on her porch and visited and by the time I got home several hours later I had come to terms with just walking around bald and was feeling much better.  Much more like me.  So, since then I have not bothered with covering my head unless it is cold.  It's very freeing!  I have gotten some odd looks.  And one grumpy old man in a parking lot today muttered an ugly comment about the state of "femininity" these days.  Well, grumpy old man, kiss it.  My bald head, my butt, I don't care which, but kiss it. I am just sassy and stubborn enough I may never let my hair grow back now.  Just for him! 

The really good news is I have been feeling great the past week!  Very few naps needed, no tylenol needed, no anti nausea meds needed.  Good stuff!  And at my last chemo infusion the oncologist could not find the tumors.  They are shrinking rapidly.  I am so thankful!!!!  This makes it all worth it.  This makes staying in the fight so much easier.  AND...the dreaded brain MRI came back clear!  WOOHOO!!!!

The MRI...what a thing.  I went to an open MRI location and it all went well.  Admitedly, I had two vallium in me, but who cares??  I did it!  I started to cry at first, but God dropped the voice of a dear friend into my head.  I could hear worship.  Then I remembered that the length of the MRI was a short worship set.  So, I put together a set list in my head and began to sing.  I belted out 3 and half songs before it was all done.  Then I went home and had a nap!  ha!  The next day we got the results, and my head is all clear!  It is so nice to be getting good reports!  Thank you Jesus!

Chemo #4 is Friday.  At the end of this session I will be half way through the chemo.  Half way!  Amazing!  After this cycle the meds change.  That will potentially change how I react to it and what my rebound time will be, but that's ok.  We are tearing through it and that is good!

This particular passage has come up for me three times in the last two weeks.  Romans 5: 3-5
 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Hope does not put us to shame!  I will persevere, my character will become stronger, better, more beautiful through this and I will stand on hope as I walk this out! 

Every Table Is An Altar.  Such a beautiful song!  Such encouragement it has offered me this past week.  I listen in silence sometimes.  I cry my eyes out sometimes.  I belt it out at the top of my lungs sometimes....it's just good!

This song......I Know.  This song says exactly what I have been trying to say in 5 blog posts.  I shared it with a dear friend when I heard it and she said, "I feel like if I cut you, you would bleed this song."  And That is as close to correct as I can get.  "thoug my eyes have never seen you, I've seen enough to say, I know that you are good!"  Please listen.  

Continue to pray!  I know it is what is changing things.  Thank you so much for standing with us in this!  
Until next time....
Through it all my heart will choose to sing!