And some days you just want to cuss....

Taxol.  Thats the name of the chemo drug that I am on now.  I really do not like it.  Really.  Do not.  For me it has been much more challenging than the first two and I am realizing that I am not up to the challenge.  I can honestly say that through all of this I have had many more good days than bad.  I have had my fair share of struggles with settling in with this to be sure.  But overall, I have had good days with happieness, peace and lots of moments of joy.  This week though, I have struggled.  As my physical abilities wane my emotional fragility amps up.  For some reason, when I hurt I am much less able to be strong or joyful. This round of chemo brought pain as well as complete numbness in my feet and partial numbness to my fingers.  Losing feeling in my feet, though "expexted" also seems to have been the last straw for me.  I got really mad, and then I got really sad.  Then yesterday, when my sweet husband got up from the table to fill my bowl for me because getting up is hard, well, then I cried for two hours. 
Grief.  Not one thing about it is predictable.  Not one thing about it makes any sense.  And it is indescribeable.  Because even though I know the trigger for me, it will not make sense to anyone.  So, I sat on my bed with my hankie and I cried.  I guess sometimes you just have to do that.  I say it to my students all the time, "the sad comes and then the sad goes again and you will feel something else."  It is true.  Sometimes you just have to sit with the sad.  Feel it, look at it, acknowledge it and only then you can make room for feeling something else.  Today is a new day and I do have a new feeling.  It is faint, but hope blooms again.  Peace reigns in my heart and home again.  The sad went...I am grateful.
I have one more round of Taxol, May 8.  And then, I AM DONE!  Chemo #8 will be finished and I move on to surgery.  I am very excited!  Eventhough I am not looking forward to the next round and am apprehensive about what it will bring, I do know that from there I will begin to  heal from the chemo. About 4 weeks after that, June 4, I will have surgery.  And guess what!?  My plastic surgeon said that she will do reconstruction the same day as the mastectomy.  WOW!  That will be a long day of waiting for my family, but I will only have to heal and recover one time.  I am so very thankful for this!  And I am ready for this next step in the fight.  Lets get this going!
Yesterday in the midst of my struggle, the verse for my devotional was this: Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 
Who?  No one I know has ever added anything to life by worrying.  Lord knows I used to try!  But in my current circumstance, this was a beautiful reminder to lay down the things that would cause me to worry.  Cancer, Coronavirus, the economy, my job, the future for my children....the list goes on and on.  Instead I lifted all of those things up to him in a conversation and then let them go.  I left them on the table of conversatoin so to speak.  I was so glad of the reminder and comforted by the process.  If you are prone to worry, try a conversation with God instead.  Its ok if you don't like him.  It's ok of you don't believe he is real, it's ok if you're not sure.  Just start talking.  I promise you, he'll show up. He'll listen.  And you will be able to put down the worry.  I promise you.  If I can find and live in peace, so can you. 
Each week people reach out to me to check in and I am so thankful!  Some who have been in my life always and some who I have loved always but lost track of in lifes business.  All of it is a blessing and I am so glad to have the contact, to know how you all are doing!  Thank you for taking the time to reach out!
Until next time, when I am all done with chemo, many many blessings on each of you!   May you seek and find joy, may peace reign in your spirit, may you discover simple things in life that set a strong foundation for you.  May you be ready to go back out into the world as it reopens!  May you spread the joy and peace you are finding!
So much love to you all.
XOXO

I can't think of anythig catchy!

Here we are!  April 15, 2020.  I am experiencing the strangest time in my life along with the rest of the nation!  No one will forget this time. COVID-19 has become very real! I am still blessed to find these days joyful and delightful!  (yes, I'm being honest) I am finding joy and comfort in the people in my home. I am finding delight in the coming of spring, sitting out on the back deck, and enjoying looking at flowers on my walks.  AND spring snow is just one of my favorite things! This is a time of pressing into God, loving my family hard and working on my home, creating a peaceful place to ride out this storm.

I am two treatments into the "new" chemo drug.  I must say, it's not my favorite. For about 10 days after treatment #5 I was in a lot of pain.  Nothing gave me relief for days. (And I gave birth naturally, twice. So I have a pretty decent pain tolerance!) Finally I found some CBD products that worked and gave me some relief.  Thank heaven! I was quite miserable. I can honestly say I lost heart a couple times and cried at Mark. I'm thankful to be through it and on the other side.

Last Friday I had chemo #6 of 8.  And it did not go as smoothly as one would hope.  This drug, Taxol, has a huge laundry list of side effects (as all of them do....they are all poison!).  The pre-chemo regimen is benadryl and a couple steroids to prep your body for the drug and hopefully cut down on the side effects.  The first round of this is usually the most troublesome if you're going to experience trouble. But this second round was the doozy for me.  About 8 minutes into the treatment I began to struggle to breathe, felt immense pressure in my chest and sharp pain in my back BUT, the chemo nurses are nothing short of superheroes and quickly set things right!  They stopped the infusion, started a saline drip, put me on oxygen and talked to me until I was able to breathe normally again. After an hour on oxygen and off the drug my vitals were good enough to try again. So we did.  And it all went well. With a slightly slower drip I was able to finish the infusion and I'm still breathing! YIKES! That was a drag. An odd thought I had as I was trying to stay calm and breathe deep, " Wow! Poison really is an effective way to kill someone!"  Well, duh! But to feel that tiny bit of negative reaction in my body really woke me up to things! Calling it a drug is just a way to make it fit in your brain and have your brain accept it as a viable option. It's poison, and it is there to kill everything that crosses its path!  And I am so thankful for modern medicine and all they have learned, to use this poison to save my life! treatment #7 of 8 in a little over a week. We are getting through this!  

On April 1 I met with my surgeon again.  We have a ballpark goal for surgery (in case you're wondering, bilateral mastectomy)  between May 29 and June 5. She does not believe COVID will prevent this, as it is a life saving procedure.  I am so excited! From the moment the ER doc said the words Breast Cancer to me I have wanted to have this surgery.  The next step in this fight. I feel ready! My body will never be the same. But it wouldn't be anyway. Let's take them off!  It's time! As soon as we nail down a date for sure I will let you know! I'm sure you are all just waiting, breathlessly for this information!  😀

Thank you to all who have called, texted, sent cards, sent a meal, dropped off food, gone to the dispensary for me (yes, someone did this before I found the CBD I now have. thats love!), mailed us masks. sent flowers and the million other ways that you all have reached out to support me and my peeps through this.  It is truly making a difference for me! I cannot remember the statistic, but I do remember reading that a woman's prognosis for survival through breast cancer is much much higher if she has a strong community of support around her. In that case, I am going to live forever! You all are just amazing and I do not have words to express my gratitude!  I am blessed to have you in my world and am so thankful!  

My oncologist continues to be very optimistic, and my surgeon expressed her similar sentiments during our last visit.  I'm so grateful for this team that I have. And I'm so thankful that I am where I need to be in this fight!  

The CBD Product I found is nothing short of miraculous for me!  If you deal with chronic pain, migraine pain or are healing from a procedure and are looking for an alternative to traditional pain relievers give them a try!  Cannabinoid Refinery is the name of the company.  Click the link to find the website.  PLEASE do not try this without speaking to your doctor.  I had full permission from mine to try any of this! I am NOT a health professional and don't even play one on TV!  Be smart folks, but if you get the go ahead, please look them up, you'll be glad you did!

A friend sent me a passage of scripture Easter Sunday that I have read hundreds of times in my life.  It is in Matthew 28. It is after Christ has risen and some of his beloved friends come across him. The scripture says that when they saw him they, "took hold of his feet and worshiped him."  I had never noticed that part before...took hold of his feet. That is what I want to do. During this time where I could easily slip into terror, when the world is just going crazy and things are so unsure for everyone, I have just been pondering taking hold of his feet.  Trying to spend more of my days in worship....because...well, what else am I doing? And why in the world would I want to be doing anything else?! Whether you are a believer or not, I encourage you to picture this. Especially if you are struggling during this time....picture this, find yourself at his feet.  I think you'll find some peace! And that is my prayer for you, peace in the midst of this storm. Whatever this storm looks like for you. Peace!

Until next time, stay well and safe, search out peace.  If you need help, reach out! I am here!  

Many blessings to you and yours!