Day 365

 Yep, you read that right.  365 days.  One year ago today an ER Doc told me I had breast cancer and sent me home with instructions to see a doctor soon.....So I did.  And the rest is history.  And present.  And future.  Because, what I have learned this year will forever change who I am.  My body is forever changed.  My mind is forever changed.  My heart is forever changed.  My faith has been forged in fire.  It has been pounded, reheated, reshaped, sharpened and honed into something I only thought I could understand.  I am new.  Changed, I think, for the better. Yep, 2020, stage 4 breast cancer and a pandemic have changed me for the better.

First, an update!  I had successful reconstruction surgery Friday, November 20th!  My plastic surgeon assured me that this would be easy compared to all I have been through this year.  She was right!  I slept all day Friday and all night.  I woke up Saturday feeling very well.  I have had little to no pain through it all.  I am so thankful for that!  It feels great to have the skin expanders out and the implants in.  Whew!  It is a relief to have that behind me!

Today has been an emotional day.  I woke up grateful.  I have spent the day reflecting, remembering, rejoicing and grieving.  (I said I was changed, I never said I wasn't still crazy as all get out!)  Thank you to all who have continued to read this blog and suupport me with prayer and words of encouragement. 

While I am not yet ready to say I am thankful for breast cancer, I am ready to say that I am thankful for the lessons learned walking through it.  Here are a few of the lessons Mark and I have reflected on today:

• My marriage of 27 years is better than it has been in years, thanks in large part to this diagnosis.  Mark is half my heart and I have come to treasure him in ways I did not before.  He really is the very best human!
• This diagnosis crystalized my place in "the church" or in ministry.  I had to lay it all down, and in laying it down I have been able to see that much of what I was attempting to carry was not rightfully mine to carry.  
• This walk, literally through the valley of the shadow of death, has shown me the the truth in my faith, and the holes in my faith.  I get to keep working on that!
• I have come to understand in a very deep way what friendship truly is and is not.  I hope it has made me a better friend, I know it has caused me to value those I call friend.
• worship is still how I navigate the world. (both natural and supernatural...yep, I said it! supernatural) It is just different now.  Sometimes different is hard.
• Because of COVID and the fact that my immune system is (and will always be) shot, church looks different.  I have not set foot in a church service in almost a year....that is super hard, and as pastors that is not something we ever would have considered. We "wandered" and wondered for months what we were going to do, church isnt perfect, but we both love it and are devoted to Jesus and his church.  Even if different is hard, it can be good.We still don't have answers, but feel at peace and have found a place holder to keep us going!
  
• Somehow through all of this I have been transformed.  I know it, and yet I can't really tell a difference.  Does that make ANY sense at all??  It is a very strange sensation to know in your bones you are transformed and also not really be able to pinpoint WHAT it is that has changed.   But I am transformed.  And I pray that it is for the better.  It feels very peaceful inside of me, so I take that as a good sign.
• If you are mine, I will love you harder than ever before.  So buckle up! (:
• I will no longer waste time in transactional relationships trying to make them deep. I am a human not a commodity. ( I Know some of you know exactly what I am saying!)
• Every day is to be celebrated!  EVERY DAY
• If you look for bad, you will find it.  Lots of it.  Conversely, if you look for good, you will find it!  
• I have chosen to look for good 
• Cancer has left my body, but I will always carry the marks it left.

I took some time today in my living room to just sing and praise and worship and cry.  I have honestly not cried much through this.  Today I let some tears fall.  Tears are healing.  

As I looked back over this entire blog I found that the songs I posted through the last year have truly been my anthem(s).  I have done two studies on the idea of unshsakeable faith this year, that has been an incredible thing to lean in to as I walked out this journey.  Unshakeable.  That is my new goal.  

Because I was given a stage 4 diagnosis I see my oncologist every 4 weeks.  I have blood drawn every 2 weeks, I take two hormone blockers and an oral Chemotherapy drug and I get one horomone blocker injection each month.  So there are constant reminders of the war I waged last year.  I am still learning how to fully live after this.  But that is a wonderful lesson to learn and one that I rejoice in! 

The same as the rest of the world, I will be so glad to see this dingdang pandemic end.  I want to hug my son.  I want my family.  I know I'm not alone.  I just have to be careful because of my immune system and so we are just being so so careful.   I am blessed to be allowed to work.  But because I work I do nothing else.  No grocery store (I know it sounds like a dream, but after awhile, you would be surprised at what you miss!) no farmers markets, nothing.  I'm not whining....or I'm not meaning to!  I'm just telling the truth.  I am well, I am alive, I am forever grateful.  

And.....I have my first post chemo/surgery PET scan in a month.....

I'll keep you posted.

As we all grow weary of this pandemic, I would encourage you to choose to look for good.  It is so easy to find only bad.  Please keep looking!  And when you find good, shout it out!  (:

I am digging in to Advent this month, trying to focus on the real reason I celebrate Christmas.  Because why I celebrate Christmas is how I got through this whole year! So, join me on facebook for the advent study if you choose.  It's likely imperfect, but it is honest and real and hopefully will point you to the good you maybe can't find.

It wouldnt be a blog of mine without music.

Even when it hurts - Hillsong

Take Courage - Kristene DiMarco

Goodness of God - Jenn Johnson

Defender - Jesus Culture

Do It Again - Elevation Worship

It Is Well - Kristene DiMarco

Many many blessings

It Is Well

J

I just can't believe my life!

 It's been a long time.  I've thought a lot about this blog spot and what I could or should say next.  I said a copule of posts back, I am cancer free.  I am!  Walking out this journey, I worked to stay positive.  I just knew I would get to this point.  And now that I am here I am still processing those words, cancer free.  Complete response to treatment.  Clear margins.  No need for radiation at this time.  My life has been handed back to me and it is incredible!  It is also overwhelming.  I burst into tears of gratitude at the strangest times.  In some ways I have no idea how to take this gift and make the most of it.  I am not sure how to process the magnitude of the gift I have been given.  Whew!  Gratitude.  

I have been able to go back to work and it is amazing!  I've been back for a month and students just returned Wednesday.  I have decided that to do my best to pour into the beautiful lives of these precious babies is one way I can make the most of the gift of life I have been given.  So I show up and enjoy each day!  Also, I'm worn out!  Wow!  My body was pretty broken down after chemo.  I did not realize how weak I was.  I have spent the last several weeks slowly working to build up my stamina again and the move into a place of strength again.  I'm getting there!  But dude...I'm tired at the end of the day!  

The final phase of this journey is my reconstruction surgery.  I do not yet have a date, but we are getting closer.  Skin expanders are full and in place, I know now from my oncologist what is required and I just need to make the appointment with my plastic surgeon.  It will be sometime this year.  We have met our deductible with our insurance and are bound and determined to just get all of this done in the same calendar year!  (: I'll keep you posted.  ( I know you're all waiting on pins and needles for these updates!)

Doing all of this in the midst of COVID is also very odd.  I am on three medications that compromises my immune system.  It's not qute how it was during chemo, but it is suppressed.  And while my doctors all encourage me to work and live my life they also encourage me to be careful.  So, Mark and I have made the decision to go to work and then mostly quarantine at home.  Outside of work we Zoom with friends and family.  We have not been to church in months and won't be able to go for at least a few more.  In Colorado churches are open and our home church has been holding in person services for weeks.  We miss you all!  I miss live worship!  But I do know I am not alone in that.  Many people are in the same boat.  I'm not complaining, just telling the truth.  

I woke up the other day with this passage in my heart, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning.  Great is your faithfulness!"  Lamentations 3:21&22.  It is so true.  New every morning!  I am thankful.  I am blessed.  

This song! Wow!

There was another in the fire standing next to me.  There was another in the waters holding back the seas.

It has been on loop in my brain and heart for over a month now.  Mark got a tattoo journaling his part of this journey (my EKG from surgery spiraling down his arm) and he plans to get these words tattooed next.  When he told me about it I absolutely crumbled.  It is the perfect description of this journey.  

I hope it helps encourage you.  I hope it reminds you that you are not alone in whatever fight you are in!

Until next time, many blessings and much love!

And.....They're off!

It's been awhile since my last post.  Goodness!  What a month its been.  I had surgery June 4.  Everything went well, I am healing nicely, but they were not able to do the reconstruction that day.  There were some concerns about blood flow and healing.  Chemo damaged my cells.  So, I have spacers in and will have reconstrution sometime in the fall.  I think my surgeons were more disappointed in the outcome than I was!  I am so blessed to have such a caring, invested team!  They have been taking such good care of me!
Recovery has been a bit slower than I anticipated, but I am assured by all my doctors that this is quite normal and I am healing nicely.  So I am continuing to try and be patient with myself.  Oy!  Not easy.
My surgeon has mentioned twice that she is anxious to see how I feel once I am healed up.  She could not belive how heavy my breast tissue was. For real!  I cant wait either.  I'm looking forward to no back pain and no shoulder pain.  Truthfully, boobs are nothing but trouble!  ha!  I'm glad to have them gone, for ALL the reasons!
My hair has started to grow back.  In case you are wondering, it's looking like it will be salt and pepper.  more pepper than salt at his point.  But the dark is much darker than it was before it all fell out and the light is much more evenly dispersed.  This is good!  I was hoping for a full head of silver hair, but I'll take salt and pepper!  Mark is really enjoying rubbing it!  He says it feels like a kitten.  LOL!  It could be worse, so I won't complain! I'm still waiting for my eyelashes and eye brows to grow back in which is so annoying.  I don't like bald eyes!  But they are starting to come back in...slowly.  Everything Ive read says it takes  between 6 and 8 weeks forthem to come back in fully.  So by the end of summer I should have lashes again!  yay! Until then, I just wear fake lashes.  It seems foreign to me, but it works.  I like the magnetic kind rather than dealing with glue....just in case you're thinking of trying them too!  (:
And more good news, I learned that because of the response to chemo, I do not require radiation!  WOOHOO!  This is such good news.  I am looking forward to healing and moving forward.  And my plastic surgeon says that recovery from reconstruction will only take a week or so.  That is also good news.  I was thinking that it would be another 6 week recovery.   Whew!  Things are looking up.
Because I don't need radiation I have started all the post chemo and surgical treatments.  Hormone supressants.  My body is taking a bit to adjust, but side effects should wear off within 3 or 4 weeks.  Fingers crossed for that!  Headaches, nausea, dry cough (I promise, it's not Corona!  I am assured it is a side effect!) insomnia - which is why I am writing this at 2 am.  At any rate, things are moving forward and we are heading into the Life after cancer phase.  I am looking forward to that! 
I look at this situation and still marvel at how I have walked through it.  My faith is the only reason I have been able to face each day, turn every corner, sit through every appointment.  I look at the last 7 months and know that I could not have gone through it all without him.  I stand only because of him.
Psalm 118:28 says:
You are my God and I will Praise you.  You are my God and I will exault you
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.  His love endured forever.

This is the anthem of my heart!  I will forever give thanks!  I will forever praise.  Even in the darkest night, the hardest moments, when fear is the only thing I can hear, I will remind myself what is true.  He is good and I will praise!
Goodness of God.  I have shared this song before, but it is just so true.  All my life.....
Simple Gospel. some of the lyrics are, "I will rejoice in the simple gospel, I will rejoice in you lord."  After leading this song many times and singing it in my personal worship times I have come to fully realize, the simple gospel is Jesus.  Not the bible, not books in the bible, not doctrine or denomenational beliefs.  Jesus is the simple gospel. Jesus, his love, his life, who he is.  I love this!
So, today, I will rejoice!  It is a choice.  Always.  And choose it!  I hope you listen. they are amazing songs. They bring such peace to my soul.  I pray they will do the same for you.
I am standing eyeball deep in blessings, I am cancer free, I get to go back to work soon, I willl be feeling better soon. 

Until next time....Thank you for your support, your love and your prayers.

Blessings,
Jade

5 days and counting!

I have finished all of my pre-op appointments and am counting down the days to surgery!  People keep asking me if I'm anxoius or scared.  No, I'm not.  Perhaps it's because I don't have good sense.  But I'm just not worried.  Now, I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to the pain that is sure to accompany such a surgery, but that will be temporary.  And I am looking forward to being 2/3 of the way through treatment!  This is a good thing and I am thankful for it! It is a life saving surgery and I am thrilled to be able to have it taken care of!
I had to have a COVID test during my last pre-op appointment.  Let me tell you, that isn't fun!  Zowie! The sweet nurse, who is dressed in full gear with a plastic face mask and all , takes a fairly long "swab" and runs it clear up your nose and into your sinuses.  Once up and in something similar to the hokey pokey happens, go right spin swab left then switch.  OY!  I was tearing up by the end.  But it is done now. YAY!
The very best news is this: I got the results back from the MRI.  The words. "complete response to treatment" appear on the written results! This means there is no cancer currently living in my body!  This is a much better outcome than any of us hoped for going in and I can say with full confidence I am healed!  My docotrs are amazed at the results!   We will continue with the full treatment plan, thats just wisdom.  But I am so relieved and so very, very thankful to go into surgery with this news!
On the way home from the Oncologist office this song, Defender came on the radio.  I had to pull off and listen and cry - again.  A good friend and fellow worshiper told me early on in this journey that this song kept coming to her mind when she prayed for me.  So I listened to it over and over like a promise and began to sing it like a prayer.  And after hearing this amazing news, I can sing it with even more truth in my heart!  I can plant my feet and sing, "you restore my faith and hope again.  And all I did was praise.  All I did was worship. All I did was stay still."  That is all I did.  Take a listen.  I truly love this song!  You will too! ( Also, I want to be able to sing like her!  (:  Life goals!  Ha!)
So, I head into surgery next week knowing that it has all been worth it and will continue to be worth it!  I didn't know how much I needed to hear those words.  But when I did hear them I felt like I had taken my first deep breath in months.  Thank you Jesus!  Words like "lymph nodes have fully normalized" will put some wind back in your sails for sure!
I hope that this encourages you. Wherever you are, whatever is happening, find a reason to be thankful.  Find a reason for hope.  Find a reason to sing! I know our world is crazy right now, but there is always something to be thankful for or hopeful about.  Look for those things!
I look forward to updating you in a few weeks on how surgery has gone!
Happy Summer Y'all!
Many many blessings

Day 167.....Post 10

Day 167.  That's a lot of days.  Also, hardly any time at all.  I found out 167 days ago that I had breast cancer.  The first two months seemed to drag on forever and forever, having tests done, waiting for results, meeting with doctors, seemingly eternal setbacks.  Then, finally, a solid treatment plan and we got started!   Last week I finished chemo.  I am so stinking glad to be done.  I mentioned in my last post that I was not at all fond of the last chemo drug.  Still not a fan.  I have learned more since then.  The Taxol itself is poison, obviously. They all are.  But what my body is "allergic" to is the carrier.  And these allergic reactions are partly to blame for why I struggle to recover.  I have been sick with this.  I am happy to be done with chemo.  I am more relieved though.  This has been harder than I could have anticipated and I am so glad I don't have to do it again!  

My sweet family had a cake and flowers and ginger ale when I got home from chemo last friday.  They celebrated with me because I was done.  I was so thankful.  And I am done!  But I have to keep reminding myself that being done with chemo does not mean my body has healed....The Monday following Chemo I woke up and decided that the best way to begin recovering and regaining my strength would be to clean my whole house.  ( I have been cleaning regularly, but in 15 minute increments because I have been sick and weak and have to go slow.) I was doing fairly well, though I noticed that sweat literally just rolls off of a bald head!  ROLLS!  But who cares?  Even if you are me and you hate to sweat, you're done with chemo, you've got things to do, you must go after the dust on the mantle with a vengeance!  Right?  Anyway, I was doing ok.  I swept the house and was going to finish the cleaning with a nice fresh mopping of the kitchen.  The sweat should have told me to sit down and rest.  The nausea should have told me to get a ginger ale and sip it quietly on the porch.  The raggedy breathing and pounding heart should have told me to go put my feet up and regulate my breathing for a bit.  In fact, they all did say all of those things, I just didn't listen.  And when I got the mop bucket filled and set on the floor my body just took care of itself and gave me what I needed.  Bending over caused my vision to go black and when it all came back I was sitting next to the mop bucket feeling rather grateful that it was fresh water not dirty because my face was awful close to the water!  EW!  I'm still not exactly sure what was driving me or why I thought I needed to or even could do all of that work less than 72 hours after chemo.  It was like I was training for the house cleaners olympics!  What a dork!  So, I sat down, sipped a ginger ale and texted Mark to confess my stupidity.  To his credit, he didn't get after me at all.  He's a good man, I'm lucky to live with my bestie!  I'm so thankful he is here with me through this and that he seems to still like me....even when I swan dive into the mop water....good grief!

Just a couple days after my last chemo  my life became the property of the scheduling departments of two surgeons, one oncologist, one radiologist and Rose Medical Center again!  All of the sudden my dance card is full again!  I am looking forward to surgery June 4.  But the whole gang needs to see me before I can have surgery,  I'm a busy girl!  I really am looking forward to this next step.  

I had my post chemo/ pre-op breast MRI yesterday.  I went to the same place I had my first one done.  (BTW, Womens Imaging Center....You guys rock!!! ) I was worried that I would feel some sort of PTSD walking back into the place that confirmed my diagnosis, but I did not.  I felt some sort of relief that I knew the drill!  It all went very well, and at the end of the MRI the rad tech  said things looked good.  My Oncologist will tell me all about it this Thursday at one of my 4 pre-op appointments.   Part of me is anxious to hear the official report.  Part of me is happy to be living in this odd limbo of being 99% sure that the chemo has done its job, but needing the results of this scan to confirm it.  Does that make me a chicken? I really think it might. Sometimes, just for a tiny bit of time, not knowing is ok.  The other part of me is really ready to sit down with my oncologist and hear the news. All of me is ready to move on to the plan for surgery.  

I mentioned in my first blog post that worship is what gets me through things, is part of who I am, is how I stay grounded in who I am and what I believe.  Since I started Taxol I have been less and less able to spend time dedicated to worship.  I have not sung very many notes (It is hard to sing when you have blisters in your throat and are just trying not to throw up.) I have not even had a consistent devotional time of prayer and study.  I have just been sick.  Am I making excuses?  Maybe, I don't know.  I think I'm just being honest.  Regardless, I have not been singing much.  When I went in for my MRI (this is the good place where they give you headphones and pipe music into your head for you!) I asked her just to put on some worship music.  And for 15 whole minutes I was able to just let the music wash over me and move through me.  It was there, like a promise.  It brought back to mind the first time I was there and tuly how far He has carried me in the last 167 days.  My heart sang.  Oddly, I came out spiritually refreshed.  Who knew you could have church in an MRI tube???  But it was beautiful! I'm grateful for the gift of music!

After the cleaning episode, after the MRI, after this past week of recovering from my last chemo, I'm still recovering!  It is 4 am and I am awake and blogging because the anti nausea meds are still not cutting it and I can't sleep.  BUT, it's 4 am and I am up blogging.....reflecting!  There is life in me.  I have my family here in the house (they have the sense God gave a goose and are asleep, but they are here!) And even if I don't feel well now, I will.  Soon.  Someday soon I will not need three types of anti nausea meds.  Someday soon I will be able to walk more than 1 block and back.  Someday soon the blisters on my tongue will be gone and I will be able to sing again.  Someday soon my immune system will be back and I will be able to hug my son, my parents, my friends!  Someday soon.  You know what all of that is?  That is HOPE!  In the midst of being sick and crazy I have hope.  I'm blessed!  

This song, What a Beautiful Name, is the first song that played in the MRI yesterday.  I love this song.  I have listened to this song many times.  God has used this song to encourage me on more than one occasion, and he at one point spoke very deeply to me and made me promises that have now come true through this song.  I did not ask for it by name yesterday, it was just the first song to play.  I had to smile.  Then I just let it wash over me.  Maybe you can do that too.  

This blog has been such a great outlet for me and I am so surprised and grateful that you have chosen to come along and stay on this journey with me!  Thank you so much for that!  

Until next time....when I may have NEW BOOBS!  Which reminds me, the treatment before last I sat across from a lady who had on a sweat shirt that said, "My Oncologist does my hair"  I loved it!  She told me she also has one that says, "Hell yeah these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me!"  Well....I want one of each please!  The sentiments of the second one fit me to a T!  I have felt that way since the day I was diagnosed.  I want them off of me, they are trying to kill me and I do not care for them anymore!  So, I'm gonna get some new ones!  yay!

Many blessings.  May you find a reason to sing.  Or at least find a song in your heart.

XO

And some days you just want to cuss....

Taxol.  Thats the name of the chemo drug that I am on now.  I really do not like it.  Really.  Do not.  For me it has been much more challenging than the first two and I am realizing that I am not up to the challenge.  I can honestly say that through all of this I have had many more good days than bad.  I have had my fair share of struggles with settling in with this to be sure.  But overall, I have had good days with happieness, peace and lots of moments of joy.  This week though, I have struggled.  As my physical abilities wane my emotional fragility amps up.  For some reason, when I hurt I am much less able to be strong or joyful. This round of chemo brought pain as well as complete numbness in my feet and partial numbness to my fingers.  Losing feeling in my feet, though "expexted" also seems to have been the last straw for me.  I got really mad, and then I got really sad.  Then yesterday, when my sweet husband got up from the table to fill my bowl for me because getting up is hard, well, then I cried for two hours. 
Grief.  Not one thing about it is predictable.  Not one thing about it makes any sense.  And it is indescribeable.  Because even though I know the trigger for me, it will not make sense to anyone.  So, I sat on my bed with my hankie and I cried.  I guess sometimes you just have to do that.  I say it to my students all the time, "the sad comes and then the sad goes again and you will feel something else."  It is true.  Sometimes you just have to sit with the sad.  Feel it, look at it, acknowledge it and only then you can make room for feeling something else.  Today is a new day and I do have a new feeling.  It is faint, but hope blooms again.  Peace reigns in my heart and home again.  The sad went...I am grateful.
I have one more round of Taxol, May 8.  And then, I AM DONE!  Chemo #8 will be finished and I move on to surgery.  I am very excited!  Eventhough I am not looking forward to the next round and am apprehensive about what it will bring, I do know that from there I will begin to  heal from the chemo. About 4 weeks after that, June 4, I will have surgery.  And guess what!?  My plastic surgeon said that she will do reconstruction the same day as the mastectomy.  WOW!  That will be a long day of waiting for my family, but I will only have to heal and recover one time.  I am so very thankful for this!  And I am ready for this next step in the fight.  Lets get this going!
Yesterday in the midst of my struggle, the verse for my devotional was this: Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 
Who?  No one I know has ever added anything to life by worrying.  Lord knows I used to try!  But in my current circumstance, this was a beautiful reminder to lay down the things that would cause me to worry.  Cancer, Coronavirus, the economy, my job, the future for my children....the list goes on and on.  Instead I lifted all of those things up to him in a conversation and then let them go.  I left them on the table of conversatoin so to speak.  I was so glad of the reminder and comforted by the process.  If you are prone to worry, try a conversation with God instead.  Its ok if you don't like him.  It's ok of you don't believe he is real, it's ok if you're not sure.  Just start talking.  I promise you, he'll show up. He'll listen.  And you will be able to put down the worry.  I promise you.  If I can find and live in peace, so can you. 
Each week people reach out to me to check in and I am so thankful!  Some who have been in my life always and some who I have loved always but lost track of in lifes business.  All of it is a blessing and I am so glad to have the contact, to know how you all are doing!  Thank you for taking the time to reach out!
Until next time, when I am all done with chemo, many many blessings on each of you!   May you seek and find joy, may peace reign in your spirit, may you discover simple things in life that set a strong foundation for you.  May you be ready to go back out into the world as it reopens!  May you spread the joy and peace you are finding!
So much love to you all.
XOXO

I can't think of anythig catchy!

Here we are!  April 15, 2020.  I am experiencing the strangest time in my life along with the rest of the nation!  No one will forget this time. COVID-19 has become very real! I am still blessed to find these days joyful and delightful!  (yes, I'm being honest) I am finding joy and comfort in the people in my home. I am finding delight in the coming of spring, sitting out on the back deck, and enjoying looking at flowers on my walks.  AND spring snow is just one of my favorite things! This is a time of pressing into God, loving my family hard and working on my home, creating a peaceful place to ride out this storm.

I am two treatments into the "new" chemo drug.  I must say, it's not my favorite. For about 10 days after treatment #5 I was in a lot of pain.  Nothing gave me relief for days. (And I gave birth naturally, twice. So I have a pretty decent pain tolerance!) Finally I found some CBD products that worked and gave me some relief.  Thank heaven! I was quite miserable. I can honestly say I lost heart a couple times and cried at Mark. I'm thankful to be through it and on the other side.

Last Friday I had chemo #6 of 8.  And it did not go as smoothly as one would hope.  This drug, Taxol, has a huge laundry list of side effects (as all of them do....they are all poison!).  The pre-chemo regimen is benadryl and a couple steroids to prep your body for the drug and hopefully cut down on the side effects.  The first round of this is usually the most troublesome if you're going to experience trouble. But this second round was the doozy for me.  About 8 minutes into the treatment I began to struggle to breathe, felt immense pressure in my chest and sharp pain in my back BUT, the chemo nurses are nothing short of superheroes and quickly set things right!  They stopped the infusion, started a saline drip, put me on oxygen and talked to me until I was able to breathe normally again. After an hour on oxygen and off the drug my vitals were good enough to try again. So we did.  And it all went well. With a slightly slower drip I was able to finish the infusion and I'm still breathing! YIKES! That was a drag. An odd thought I had as I was trying to stay calm and breathe deep, " Wow! Poison really is an effective way to kill someone!"  Well, duh! But to feel that tiny bit of negative reaction in my body really woke me up to things! Calling it a drug is just a way to make it fit in your brain and have your brain accept it as a viable option. It's poison, and it is there to kill everything that crosses its path!  And I am so thankful for modern medicine and all they have learned, to use this poison to save my life! treatment #7 of 8 in a little over a week. We are getting through this!  

On April 1 I met with my surgeon again.  We have a ballpark goal for surgery (in case you're wondering, bilateral mastectomy)  between May 29 and June 5. She does not believe COVID will prevent this, as it is a life saving procedure.  I am so excited! From the moment the ER doc said the words Breast Cancer to me I have wanted to have this surgery.  The next step in this fight. I feel ready! My body will never be the same. But it wouldn't be anyway. Let's take them off!  It's time! As soon as we nail down a date for sure I will let you know! I'm sure you are all just waiting, breathlessly for this information!  😀

Thank you to all who have called, texted, sent cards, sent a meal, dropped off food, gone to the dispensary for me (yes, someone did this before I found the CBD I now have. thats love!), mailed us masks. sent flowers and the million other ways that you all have reached out to support me and my peeps through this.  It is truly making a difference for me! I cannot remember the statistic, but I do remember reading that a woman's prognosis for survival through breast cancer is much much higher if she has a strong community of support around her. In that case, I am going to live forever! You all are just amazing and I do not have words to express my gratitude!  I am blessed to have you in my world and am so thankful!  

My oncologist continues to be very optimistic, and my surgeon expressed her similar sentiments during our last visit.  I'm so grateful for this team that I have. And I'm so thankful that I am where I need to be in this fight!  

The CBD Product I found is nothing short of miraculous for me!  If you deal with chronic pain, migraine pain or are healing from a procedure and are looking for an alternative to traditional pain relievers give them a try!  Cannabinoid Refinery is the name of the company.  Click the link to find the website.  PLEASE do not try this without speaking to your doctor.  I had full permission from mine to try any of this! I am NOT a health professional and don't even play one on TV!  Be smart folks, but if you get the go ahead, please look them up, you'll be glad you did!

A friend sent me a passage of scripture Easter Sunday that I have read hundreds of times in my life.  It is in Matthew 28. It is after Christ has risen and some of his beloved friends come across him. The scripture says that when they saw him they, "took hold of his feet and worshiped him."  I had never noticed that part before...took hold of his feet. That is what I want to do. During this time where I could easily slip into terror, when the world is just going crazy and things are so unsure for everyone, I have just been pondering taking hold of his feet.  Trying to spend more of my days in worship....because...well, what else am I doing? And why in the world would I want to be doing anything else?! Whether you are a believer or not, I encourage you to picture this. Especially if you are struggling during this time....picture this, find yourself at his feet.  I think you'll find some peace! And that is my prayer for you, peace in the midst of this storm. Whatever this storm looks like for you. Peace!

Until next time, stay well and safe, search out peace.  If you need help, reach out! I am here!  

Many blessings to you and yours!

Chemo, Corona and Quarantine

Wow!  what an odd two weeks it has been!  It feels like I wrote my last blog in a whole different world.  I pray this finds you all finding joy in your days and peace in your soul.
Peace in the midst of trouble is so important and CAN be found!  I promise you that!  If I can find peace within a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, you can find it in the midst of this Coronavirus outbreak.

• Every day find at least one thing for which you are thankful!  Start your day with this practice and it will help you move into a peaceful place.  It will aslo help you notice other things throughout your day that you can add to this list, just building on it!  When you begin to feel the strain, go back over the list.  Sometimes, especially at first, you have to do this again and again throughout the day. But thats ok!  You are building a new habit.  Soon, this will be your norm!
• When you find yourself feeling stressed/worried/terrified/anxious get up and move your body.  Changing your physical perspective will also help you to change your emotional perspective.  As you move, talk to yourself (or God!) about the feelings, but then let them go.  Oh, and , when I say talk, I mean OUT LOUD!  It really does help release those feelings from your mind and body so you can move on without holding them in you anymore!
• Find things that help set the tone for peace in your home.  My things are candles or diffusers with comforting/favorite smells, Music that I love. Often it is worship music, but often it is 80's music turnned all the way up as well!  (:  Up to you!
•  And I have started making my bed every day.  When I walk into my room now I see peace and tranquility, not mess.  If you don't do this, I highly recommend it!  
• check in with at least one person each day to see how THEY are doing!  
• Check in with at least one person a day to let them know how you are doing!
• Reach out for conversation or help if you need it.  Especially now, people may not know you need assistance, but would likely be happy to provide it!
• get outside everyday!  walk, sit in the sun, rake a patch of grass, just stand there....but get outside!  Feel the sun and the breeze on your face.  It is so important!

So there!  That is how I began coping with my isolation long before the isolation that the whole country is now experiencing.  I was doing this for 8 weeks before this.  I just want to encourage you, it does get easier and there is so much that you can control about this to help keep your mood and spirit elevated!  We can all get through this!

Yesterday I went in for infusion #5 of 8!!!!!  Yay!  And I am so happy to say that for today, I do not feel "day after chemo" effects.  I started a new drug yesterday and they said that it may be easier.  So far that is true and I could not be happier or more grateful!  My oncologist has been almost giddy the last two times I have seen him, as my body is responding to treatment very well!  That is so encouraging!

With Jesus, Chemo and all the support I have been getting I am gonna beat this!  I feel strong and confident.  Strong unless you ask me to walk up a hill....then I am pretty weak and out of breath!  (:  But working on it!

Last week I had a uique 24 hours with God.  My faith was shaken and I was afraid. So I began to cry out to him.  He took me to 1 Corinthians 13, which is all about love.  We use it in weddings a lot, or when someone we love hurts us we use it show how they have not been loving us correctly (OH wait...is that just me that does that?!?!) But this is really the model of how God loves us.  Each and every one of us!  And then, in another place in the bible it talks about how perfect love (Gods love) casts out all fear.  This is the cliff notes version of what happenned, because this took place over the course of 16 to 20 hours.  But I was so blessed and grateful for the time.  And for the reminder!  God is good.  He loves perfectly. And if I trust that and sit in that, I am not afraid!  #truth

Beautiful Things. This song is an older one, but seems very relevant for this time in my life and in the world!  Take a listen!  

So much love and grace to each of you!  Praying blessings and peace to you during this time!  

I truly have been doing the isolation thing for a LONG time now, so if you need to reach out....do it!  I understand!  XO

Blessings until next time!

Also, chemo has made my fingers feel thick and typing is rough!  I am doing my best to proof this, but please just forgive anything I have missed!  XO

My eyebrows have abandoned me!

Yep, it's true...well, mostly true. My eyebrows are jumping ship more each day!  Dang!  My eyelashes too.  Some are holding on, but they are much more thin.

Now, I have become VERY comfortable with walking around bald.  (more on this to come) But I really don't want to look like a naked mole rat or one of those horrible, bald cats. (appoligies to anyone who may own one of those) So, am experiementing with false eyelashes and desperately trying to figure out how to fill in my eyebrows without looking angry, or like a lego animation figure!  (:  Ah!  Well, I suppose it could be worse. 

Last weekend I wanted to go for a walk with a friend and could not get my scarf tied.  Could. Not. Do. It.  No idea why.  So, I did what any mature adult would do, I threw the scarf and cried. Real mature.  But grief is like that, isnt it.  You never know when it's going to hit and it won't really make sense when it does.  I am still grieving my hair for sure.  But also, just the situation.  When I first got the diagnosis I felt a deep, profound sadness.  That hit again for a bit saturday when I could not tie the stupid scarf.  But then, I called a friend who is so good at just letting me cry, not trying to fix me.  And I went to visit my other friend and we went for a walk in the beautiful weather (I think in Colorado this is called "fools spring"  But it sure has been nice to walk outside) sat on her porch and visited and by the time I got home several hours later I had come to terms with just walking around bald and was feeling much better.  Much more like me.  So, since then I have not bothered with covering my head unless it is cold.  It's very freeing!  I have gotten some odd looks.  And one grumpy old man in a parking lot today muttered an ugly comment about the state of "femininity" these days.  Well, grumpy old man, kiss it.  My bald head, my butt, I don't care which, but kiss it. I am just sassy and stubborn enough I may never let my hair grow back now.  Just for him! 

The really good news is I have been feeling great the past week!  Very few naps needed, no tylenol needed, no anti nausea meds needed.  Good stuff!  And at my last chemo infusion the oncologist could not find the tumors.  They are shrinking rapidly.  I am so thankful!!!!  This makes it all worth it.  This makes staying in the fight so much easier.  AND...the dreaded brain MRI came back clear!  WOOHOO!!!!

The MRI...what a thing.  I went to an open MRI location and it all went well.  Admitedly, I had two vallium in me, but who cares??  I did it!  I started to cry at first, but God dropped the voice of a dear friend into my head.  I could hear worship.  Then I remembered that the length of the MRI was a short worship set.  So, I put together a set list in my head and began to sing.  I belted out 3 and half songs before it was all done.  Then I went home and had a nap!  ha!  The next day we got the results, and my head is all clear!  It is so nice to be getting good reports!  Thank you Jesus!

Chemo #4 is Friday.  At the end of this session I will be half way through the chemo.  Half way!  Amazing!  After this cycle the meds change.  That will potentially change how I react to it and what my rebound time will be, but that's ok.  We are tearing through it and that is good!

This particular passage has come up for me three times in the last two weeks.  Romans 5: 3-5
 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Hope does not put us to shame!  I will persevere, my character will become stronger, better, more beautiful through this and I will stand on hope as I walk this out! 

Every Table Is An Altar.  Such a beautiful song!  Such encouragement it has offered me this past week.  I listen in silence sometimes.  I cry my eyes out sometimes.  I belt it out at the top of my lungs sometimes....it's just good!

This song......I Know.  This song says exactly what I have been trying to say in 5 blog posts.  I shared it with a dear friend when I heard it and she said, "I feel like if I cut you, you would bleed this song."  And That is as close to correct as I can get.  "thoug my eyes have never seen you, I've seen enough to say, I know that you are good!"  Please listen.  

Continue to pray!  I know it is what is changing things.  Thank you so much for standing with us in this!  
Until next time....
Through it all my heart will choose to sing!

Yep! I'm bald....and other things.

Friday night my hair all finally came out.  After a very emotional lead up to shaving my head I quickly settled in to acceptance.  It's really not so bad.  Just COLD!  Yowza!  I really don't know how Mark and my brother (both of whom shave their heads regualarly) do it!  They don't wear fancy scarves or anything! 

I have started wearing scarves or skull caps most of the time now.  And I'm rocking some pretty fancy earrings as well.  And I never forget my lipstick if I'm leaving the house. The "getting ready" process is much shorter now, something I deeply appreciate! 
Update on the nausea: I am finally feeling better!  I lost 11 lbs in 14 days which (even if you're plus sized) isn't a good thing when undergoing chemo.  My Doctor put me on a more regimetnted schedule of anti nausea meds and my sweet hubby brought me some Gingerale and miraculously, I wanted to eat!  Thank you to all who have been bringing us meals or sending gift cards for meals!  It just makes life a bit more simple for us and we deeply appreciate all of it! 

I have been away from work for 3 weeks now.  My students are going on a field trip tomorrow.  My very favorite field trip of all time!  And I won't experience it with them.  I won't lie, I have shed a few tears over that!  I miss my work.  My students, their parents and caregivesr, my amazing co-workers, my bosses...everyone.  I miss it.  Which sucks!  But then I remember that I am lucky enough to have a job that I love so much.  I work in a place where I get to do what I love in the way I think best to do it with other likeminded professionals.  Good stuff!  So, one more reason to fight this nasty fight and get back in there!  SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE DCP PEEPS!   Much love!
I also have not been to church in several weeks.  I don't think I could be in the building and not give or recieve hugs, and I just cannot risk illness. So, I listen online to Jeremy and other pastors.  I miss Y'all!  I love Y'all!  I'll see you so soon!

Befor my last infusion the oncologist measured the tumors.  They are shrinking!  He said they would.  I believed they would.  I just didn't realize the results would come so quickly.  I am so thainkful!  All of this is much easier to manage knowing that it is doing what it is supposed to do in my body!  With the help of Chemo and Jesus I am bigger and stronger than cancer!  And with my bald head I look so tough!  (Ha!)  But really, it is working.  I am thankful and blessed.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strenght.  All things.  Even this really sucky thing!

  The dreaded MRI has finally been rescheduled.  This Wednesday at 10 am.  I keep telling myself an open MRI will be fine.  The website says a loved one can come in and hold my hand if I am scared.  Poor Mark is on deck for hand holding while I freak the heck out.  I'll keep you posted on this fun event!

Infusion #3 on the 28th.  With only 8 treatments I am almost half way there! 

When you are here.   I love this song!  Have loved it for years.  "Our eyes are fixed upon your face.  Our hearts cry out come and have your way."  I just ask him every day to show me his face.  I can step if I can see his face.  Freedom reigns and healing comes!  What a blessing it is! 

Mark and I and the kids have been so humbled and blessed by everyone who has reached out with words of encouragement, a product they think may be helpful in our situation, meals, boxes of cheerios, bottles of lotion, jars of pasta sauce and the hundred other things that have been delivered to us.  Thank you so much for caring for me and my family in all of these ways.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for you love.  We are blessed and humbled and forever grateful!  We hope to be able to repay it in kind one day!

Until next time, so much love, grace and peace!

Chemo and other fun discoveries!

6 days out of the first Chemo infusion.  Lots has changed.  Amazing how 4 hours in that chair can transform things!
The infusion center is quite peaceful.  The chemo nurses are nothing short of heroes, showing up with smiles and encouragement all around.  Lots of natural light, very lovely room.  Mark and Bekah came along and we got through it.  We had enough bags to have spent the weekend there!  Ha!  But we were prepared for almost any eventuality!  We will learn.  Next week we won't bring quite as much.

I met an amazing woman who was given one year to live back in 2003.  She is beating the odds every day.  We share an oncologist.  We share a disease.  We share a faith.  It was very encouraging!  I was able to hug her and pray with her before I left for the day.

The 3 days after chemo were not so fun.  Pain was pretty present, although after the first 9 or 10 hours I was able to get it under control and was not so bad.  Nausea was not a huge deal, but seems to be my constant companion, even now.  But I am not "sick" really. Because I do better when I put food on my tummy.   I just forget to eat (Imagine that!  This plus sized girl just forgetting about food!) and when I forget to eat I get nauseous.  And about 30 min after I eat I need to eat again or it all starts over.  Saltines live in my purse and I have a bottle of Gatorade with me at all times now!  It helps...a bit.

My hair is starting to get really dry and brittle.  I'll shave it off early next week.  Yep, that is gonna be hard.  But hard is OK.  I can do it.

I am a preschool teacher.  I have been told by my doctors to "avoid sick people".  If you have young children, know young children, have seen young children, you know that avoidance is not really a thing when it comes to illness.  And I love those little people so much!  I love to get on the floor with them, hold them in my lap, help them wipe their noses and wash their hands.  I love to offer comfort when they are sad or sick or both.  SO....Mark and I made the tough decision that I should take a short term disability.  At least through flu season. I am so bummed.  Again, I thought that I could be strong enough to just power through.  It has nothing to do with strength.  Everything to do with wisdom. So, I am out of the classroom for the next few weeks.  I am sad about that!  It just sucks!  Just one more thing I am not able to control!

If you know me even a little, you know I have a deep, abiding love for coffee!  Guess what???  Since Chemo I have had exactly half a cup.  I can't get it down.  I can't tolerate it when it is in my system.  I have become a tea drinker.....what in the wide world of sports is going on here?!?!  The whole world has, in fact, gone mad!  Also, thank heaven for Earl Grey Tea.  It has become such a comfort.

A very generous friend is paying someone to clean my house for a few weeks while I am undergoing chemo.  They came today for the first time.  Just an amazing little "God shot".  They walked in and almost immediately told me they had been praying for my healing since they heard about my diagnosis.  They asked to pray with me in the house.  It was such a beautiful moment for me.  Such a blessing and a wonderful reminder that God is still here.  He is still in this.  He is driving this boat.  I can lose my hair, my ability to drink coffee, my desire for food, but I cannot shake him or his blessings!  I never doubt it, but the random reminders are so wonderful and encouraging!

This journey is new and surprising and overwhelming and unknown.  But I am thankful for life.  Thankful for time with friends.  Reconnecting with old friends who have reached out because of this.  Deepening relationship with current friends because I am learning they just refuse to be anything but with me and supportive.  Thanks to all who are on this journey with me!  I am truly blessed!

Awake my soul to sing. Sing his praise aloud.....  this song is new to me and I LOVE IT!!!

These verses have taken on new meaning.....

Philippians 4:8-9  (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

What is true in your world?

What is Noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy?  Take a moment to mediate on those things right now!  It is just so important!

May the God of peace be with you as he is with me!

Blessings!

Hurry up and wait!

Today I had an appointment to have my first chemo treatment.  But due to some red tape (that I was warned could be possible this first time out) with pre-authorization from the insurance company, I was not able to go.  This is a temporary set back, and I already have the appointment lined up for next Friday.  But it is, we are learning, par for the course!  

From the moment the ER docs said cancer to me we have been in the pattern of hurry up and then wait until someone else tells us what to do next, then wait for their scheduler to call you and tell you when to come in, arrive 30 minutes early, wait in the waiting room for however long, wait in the exam room, wait for the scheduler in this office......you get the point.  There is lots of waiting.  I do not do well with waiting!  At least, I didn't.  Heck, I don't like to wait in line at the grocery store.  But I have learned to let all of that go because waiting has become routine.  It is just part of the deal now.  I can choose to spend my time mad about it or I can choose to just be at peace.  That is what I choose.  Peace.  A beautiful side effect of peace is joy!  They truly do go hand in hand.  So it is a win for sure!  

Lesson #4,781 from this cancer journey is that regardless of circumstance, I DO get to choose my attitude.  Joy and Peace are way better and more fun than anger and frustration!  

So, I get to start chemo next week, which means I get to spend tomorrow with my family and NOT be sick or tired.  I get to work next week and feel good!  I get one more week with hair!  YEP, I will be bald by valentines day.  (The only reason I know that date is because that will be the date of my second infusion. ) I will be shaving my head before my hair falls out.  I can control that which feels good while I'm on this ride that feels so out of my hands.  Will I get a wig?  I don't know!  I really cannot decide.  But I already have some scarves and skull caps and my Bekah has agreed to Henna my head. I'll get some huge, colorful earrings and just go with this new phase!  YIKES!  I don't want to lose my hair.  I get a little teary eyed when I think about it.  But the questions is, am I willing to lose my hair in order to save my life?  The answer is a resounding yes!  So, deep breaths in and out and get OK with bald.  It is just part of this journey.  I have to learn to embrace it!

Philippians 4:4&5 says : Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again, rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

If you pray, please pray for the grace to be gentle!  I do not want to use this as an excuse to be cranky!

The Lord is near may sound weird to you all, but for me it is a huge comfort!  He is my bestie.  he is kind, gentle, loving...I'm so thankful he is near especially during this time in my life.  

This song is a favorite. Peace!  Jesus, you silence fear!  It is so true for me.  I do not know how I would walk through this without him.   

So, I will let you know when I'm bald...I'll keep you posted.  Please keep praying! I know that is what is making this all work!

Much love!

Parking Garages and MRI's and Ports

There are so many things on this journey that are unexpected.  Things like, the minute someone says Cancer to you, your life is no longer your own.  The scheduling department of whatever Hospital you are with takes over your life!  I mean it! I am no longer in charge of my calendar!
And all of these things are happening while you are under more stress than ever.  At  least for me, this has been by far the most stressful 7 weeks of my life.  Stress causes sleeplessness, loss of appetite, physical shaking, teary moments way more often and, for me, COLD!  which if you know me, is very odd!  I am never cold.  But lately I cannot be comfortable without slippers and a blanket.
But what is the most unexpected to me is my sudden inability to navigate parking garages!  What in the wide world of sports is going on???  I have been in more parking garages this month than in the last year, and I seem to get lost getting out of all of them! Even the familiar ones!  Just driving round and round and round, knowing that I have to look for the Exit, knowing that what I am doing is not working, but somehow unable to make the correct change in order to exit the darn place!  It has become a joke at the dinner table, "Yes, I can drive myself to this appointment, I understand this parking garage!"  And what is sad, is that even in familiar setting, if I come out of an appointment particularly frazzled - like today - then I still cant make it work!  Sheesh!
That leads me to the next unexpected bit for today's entry....MRI's.  Ummm, what in the world?  I had an appointment today.  They asked me over the phone if I had ever had one, "yes".  Then they asked if I was claustrophobic.  "No."  Because I didn't know I was.  I arrive for this appointment and go back with the kind, cheerful tech.  She put in the IV, gave me a warm blanket and chatted with me as we walked to the room.  She and her co-worker had me lay on the table, put a pillow under my knees and then wrapped me in two more blankets, tucking them in all around me like swaddling an infant.  Then, and I am not lying here, hey strapped my head to a board with a non-metal replica of a storm trooper mask!  Good grief!  I had no idea this was coming, and I was not at all prepared for how that was going to feel or sound as it clicked in to place.  Then, with all the encouragement they could muster, they cheerily said, "We will be here in 30 minutes when you are done!"  This said as I was moved into a tube in which my shoulders didn't quite fit.  Well, this is when I realized that I am in fact claustrophobic!  I will be scheduled for an open MRI with Valium in the next few days.
Thursday I had my very first surgery ever.  Yep!  I made it all the way to 49 without ever being under general anesthesia.  I had to have my port placed.  Port, you ask?  Well, a port is something that is about the size of the tip of my thumb, placed under the skin, with a catheter that runs into an artery .  This is how they will administer my chemo.  It saves veins and I am told it is a blessing, because I don't have to have a new IV placed every time I need something.  All is well.  It looks like I have a tiny robot under my skin.  This freaks me out a bit, but over all I am so glad to have it.  It feels like the first step into this fight.  I'm ready to be in this phase.  I'm ready to be out of the tests and unknowns.
Before someone told me I had cancer I believed I was strong.  I believed I could pray or sing or breathe my way through most of life's difficult things.  I believed in myself.  Now, what I know is that I am not brave or strong.  With tears streaming, nose running and heart pounding I struggle through the difficult days.  With fear muddled brain I attempt to navigate my way out of parking garages and generally fail at that.  With a shaky voice I answer questions.  I have to take deep calming breaths just to do mundane tasks. But, I am still here.  I have life in my body and joy in my heart!  Joy when I see my kids.  Joy when my husband walks through the door.  Joy when I get to sing, even if my voice shakes.  Joy when I get to go to work and lose myself in the magical world of toddlers.  Joy!  And I know that this too shall pass.  someday I will believe I am strong again.  Someday my hand wont shake when I lift it in praise.  And for today, that has to be enough.
Friday I see my oncologist again.  Friday we are hoping for a treatment plan.  Friday I hope to regain some sort of predictability in my world again.  Friday.  Friday is coming! Once we know, I will share.

If you are feeling stress, give yourself some grace.  Allow yourself to cry the tears.  Then, remember you will find your way out of that parking garage!  (:

This song has been a source of encouragement! He knew I would not be brave or strong, he knew I would not be able to deal with the mask on my face!   But he still loves me.  He still sees the good in me.  And if he can, then I can too!    "If you don't quit you win.  Just don't give up.  Don't give in. "  Whew!

And this song is just a good reminder.... Take Courage my heart.  Stay steadfast my soul.  He's in the waiting!

And thankfully, He's also in parking garages and MRI rooms!

Prayers appreciated!
Much love!

Day 34, post 1....what in the world

34 days....that's what it has been.  34 days.  My life is forever changed now and in ways I cannot even fathom.  But I am alive.  Today I have life.  I have a husband who is my partner, my bestie for the restie and my support.  I have two beautiful kids who take my breath away each and every day.  I have a job that I love.  I have more friends than I can count, and I get to count them all as family!  And then I have family....and these are just the blessings I can think of right off the top of my head.  So, not too bad.

34 days ago doctors said the"C" word to me.  Every day since then has been like a ride I don't want to be on.  But it keeps going, and somehow I have to keep up, because at the end of the day, this is my life and it is worth fighting for.  I have breast cancer.  And its fairly aggressive.  And it is very real. And the news keeps coming and it is a lot to take in. I am hearing words like treatable.  In an oncology exam room that feels like a gut punch.  In the car ride home it feels surreal.  In my chair as I write this it feels scary.  But then I close my eyes and breathe in deep.  Then I remember that He is a healer.  By His stripes I am healed.  His joy will be my strength.  He holds everything.  He is walking us through this.  He will sustain us.

I am a believer.  A Christian.  A follower of Christ.  However you want to say it, I am one.  From the time I was very young I have known him and loved him and needed him in every aspect of my life.  I long to just look more like him.  I long to show him to the world in a way that makes him real and as beautiful as I know him to be!  I am also a worshiper.  For those who are not familiar with "church jargon"  What that means is that my relationship with Christ has been built on my desire and ability to find strength in who he is, regardless of my circumstance.  It means that my job is to tell him, myself, the world, how great he is at all times in all things.  I find joy in that.  I find strength in that.  I find my victory in that.  And I get to do that mostly through song.

This blog will be a reflection of that.  So if hearing any of these things, or finding links to worship songs that are speaking deeply to me at any given time is not what you want to hear about, I don't advise following.  (:  But I am finding that I need to take back some control over what is happening around me.  This seemed to be a good way to do that, and a good way to keep people updated on what is happening.

Here's the deal, I wont give much glory to this cancer.  I will not go into great detail.  I know the "worst"  I am fully aware.  I am choosing not to share those details here.  So if you're hoping for the nitty gritty on this disease in me, this is not the place.  But I will try to keep you informed, because I know that those who care just want to know.  I get it.

If you have encouragement to offer, I am open!  If you pray, please lift me up.  Please lift my whole family up!  This wretched thing is happening to all of us.  If you have medical opinions or stories of an aunt who did such and so and it did not go well, please....please, don't share them here.  I know that sounds selfish.  It is selfish.  And I'm comfortable with that.

This song needs to be tattooed on my heart.  This will be one that gets me through this.  Listen if you like.  Sit back and let the words wash over you.  Then, breathe them back to him like a prayer!

Until there is more to share.....
Blessings!
Jade

PS, I am usually a grammar fanatic.  I am finding that I can barely keep myself straight right now.  So please ignore any spelling or grammar errors.  Just read the story.  (: