"I will not let cancer make me feel ashamed"

 I rememer the shame.  It was thick, heavy, dark.  I wanted to hide.  We had taken so many hits in the first few weeks of my diagnosis. They day they upgraded my diagnosi to stage IV metasatic.  It was still "treatable" and we were moving forward with the exact same treatment plan as the week before.  That didnt matter to me that day.  I apologized to Mark several times on the drive home.  I didnt even know what I was aplolgizing for....I just knew in my core that I MUST apologize.  Until he finally said, "STOP APOLOGIZING".  So I did.  But the shame lingered for a few weeks.

I had to really press in and get close to Jesus.  I had to rage and cry.  I had to sleep and stare at the wall, waiting desperately for a word of hope.  Finally peace came.  I was able to look my children, my husband, my parents in the eye without shrinking back or looking away.  That is when I was fully ready to get going on things. Until I could lay aside the shame I was not ready to fight.  Until I stuffed the shame in the garbage can I was shrinking in fear.  I am so thankful that I was able to move through it. 

Today, almost 2 years out from diagnosis, I recieved a podcast notifiation with the title I used for this blog.  I will not let cancer make me feel ashamed.  What a good reminder.  I'm thankful to be walking days and weeks and months away from this diagnosis.  But I am also thankful to be reminded of the beautiful lessons I have learned along the way.  

Today I was reminded that I do not need to carry shame for any reason.  Today I am reminded that this life I am living is a gift!  A GIFT. Medicine says I should not be in remission right now.  But I am walking in healing.  Today is a good day to take stock of things for which I am thankful.  Will you join me in making this list?

I am thankful for:

• Life in my body
• No migraine headaches any more
• my beautiful grandson
• my beautiful children ( Caleb, Bekah and now Emily)
  
• my parter in all things, Welby
• this home I am sitting in
• my parents are alive and well after a nasty bout of COVID
• my brother and sister in love
• my niece and nephew
• sweet Iko boy
• the work I do
• music in my heart
• this beautiful fall we have had 

I could go on and on.....

Life is hard right now.  I think everyone is feeling pulled and stretched to uncomfortable limits. I am tired right along with the rest of you.  This little moment has been helpful for me to refocus my gaze on what is good.  I'm not pretending all the hard bits are gone, I am simply acknowledging the many good bits that are right here in my reach.

In the podcast I listened to this morning this is what encouraged me to look at these things:

Phillipians 1:19-20 

9 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[a] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

If you have prayed for me of with me while on this journey, thank you!  It is because of you that I am here today.

Make your gratititude list!  Do it now!  Life is challenging, but you can focus on the good things as well.

Blessings.

Jade