Day 34, post 1....what in the world

34 days....that's what it has been.  34 days.  My life is forever changed now and in ways I cannot even fathom.  But I am alive.  Today I have life.  I have a husband who is my partner, my bestie for the restie and my support.  I have two beautiful kids who take my breath away each and every day.  I have a job that I love.  I have more friends than I can count, and I get to count them all as family!  And then I have family....and these are just the blessings I can think of right off the top of my head.  So, not too bad.

34 days ago doctors said the"C" word to me.  Every day since then has been like a ride I don't want to be on.  But it keeps going, and somehow I have to keep up, because at the end of the day, this is my life and it is worth fighting for.  I have breast cancer.  And its fairly aggressive.  And it is very real. And the news keeps coming and it is a lot to take in. I am hearing words like treatable.  In an oncology exam room that feels like a gut punch.  In the car ride home it feels surreal.  In my chair as I write this it feels scary.  But then I close my eyes and breathe in deep.  Then I remember that He is a healer.  By His stripes I am healed.  His joy will be my strength.  He holds everything.  He is walking us through this.  He will sustain us.

I am a believer.  A Christian.  A follower of Christ.  However you want to say it, I am one.  From the time I was very young I have known him and loved him and needed him in every aspect of my life.  I long to just look more like him.  I long to show him to the world in a way that makes him real and as beautiful as I know him to be!  I am also a worshiper.  For those who are not familiar with "church jargon"  What that means is that my relationship with Christ has been built on my desire and ability to find strength in who he is, regardless of my circumstance.  It means that my job is to tell him, myself, the world, how great he is at all times in all things.  I find joy in that.  I find strength in that.  I find my victory in that.  And I get to do that mostly through song.

This blog will be a reflection of that.  So if hearing any of these things, or finding links to worship songs that are speaking deeply to me at any given time is not what you want to hear about, I don't advise following.  (:  But I am finding that I need to take back some control over what is happening around me.  This seemed to be a good way to do that, and a good way to keep people updated on what is happening.

Here's the deal, I wont give much glory to this cancer.  I will not go into great detail.  I know the "worst"  I am fully aware.  I am choosing not to share those details here.  So if you're hoping for the nitty gritty on this disease in me, this is not the place.  But I will try to keep you informed, because I know that those who care just want to know.  I get it.

If you have encouragement to offer, I am open!  If you pray, please lift me up.  Please lift my whole family up!  This wretched thing is happening to all of us.  If you have medical opinions or stories of an aunt who did such and so and it did not go well, please....please, don't share them here.  I know that sounds selfish.  It is selfish.  And I'm comfortable with that.

This song needs to be tattooed on my heart.  This will be one that gets me through this.  Listen if you like.  Sit back and let the words wash over you.  Then, breathe them back to him like a prayer!

Until there is more to share.....
Blessings!
Jade

PS, I am usually a grammar fanatic.  I am finding that I can barely keep myself straight right now.  So please ignore any spelling or grammar errors.  Just read the story.  (: