Parking Garages and MRI's and Ports

There are so many things on this journey that are unexpected.  Things like, the minute someone says Cancer to you, your life is no longer your own.  The scheduling department of whatever Hospital you are with takes over your life!  I mean it! I am no longer in charge of my calendar!
And all of these things are happening while you are under more stress than ever.  At  least for me, this has been by far the most stressful 7 weeks of my life.  Stress causes sleeplessness, loss of appetite, physical shaking, teary moments way more often and, for me, COLD!  which if you know me, is very odd!  I am never cold.  But lately I cannot be comfortable without slippers and a blanket.
But what is the most unexpected to me is my sudden inability to navigate parking garages!  What in the wide world of sports is going on???  I have been in more parking garages this month than in the last year, and I seem to get lost getting out of all of them! Even the familiar ones!  Just driving round and round and round, knowing that I have to look for the Exit, knowing that what I am doing is not working, but somehow unable to make the correct change in order to exit the darn place!  It has become a joke at the dinner table, "Yes, I can drive myself to this appointment, I understand this parking garage!"  And what is sad, is that even in familiar setting, if I come out of an appointment particularly frazzled - like today - then I still cant make it work!  Sheesh!
That leads me to the next unexpected bit for today's entry....MRI's.  Ummm, what in the world?  I had an appointment today.  They asked me over the phone if I had ever had one, "yes".  Then they asked if I was claustrophobic.  "No."  Because I didn't know I was.  I arrive for this appointment and go back with the kind, cheerful tech.  She put in the IV, gave me a warm blanket and chatted with me as we walked to the room.  She and her co-worker had me lay on the table, put a pillow under my knees and then wrapped me in two more blankets, tucking them in all around me like swaddling an infant.  Then, and I am not lying here, hey strapped my head to a board with a non-metal replica of a storm trooper mask!  Good grief!  I had no idea this was coming, and I was not at all prepared for how that was going to feel or sound as it clicked in to place.  Then, with all the encouragement they could muster, they cheerily said, "We will be here in 30 minutes when you are done!"  This said as I was moved into a tube in which my shoulders didn't quite fit.  Well, this is when I realized that I am in fact claustrophobic!  I will be scheduled for an open MRI with Valium in the next few days.
Thursday I had my very first surgery ever.  Yep!  I made it all the way to 49 without ever being under general anesthesia.  I had to have my port placed.  Port, you ask?  Well, a port is something that is about the size of the tip of my thumb, placed under the skin, with a catheter that runs into an artery .  This is how they will administer my chemo.  It saves veins and I am told it is a blessing, because I don't have to have a new IV placed every time I need something.  All is well.  It looks like I have a tiny robot under my skin.  This freaks me out a bit, but over all I am so glad to have it.  It feels like the first step into this fight.  I'm ready to be in this phase.  I'm ready to be out of the tests and unknowns.
Before someone told me I had cancer I believed I was strong.  I believed I could pray or sing or breathe my way through most of life's difficult things.  I believed in myself.  Now, what I know is that I am not brave or strong.  With tears streaming, nose running and heart pounding I struggle through the difficult days.  With fear muddled brain I attempt to navigate my way out of parking garages and generally fail at that.  With a shaky voice I answer questions.  I have to take deep calming breaths just to do mundane tasks. But, I am still here.  I have life in my body and joy in my heart!  Joy when I see my kids.  Joy when my husband walks through the door.  Joy when I get to sing, even if my voice shakes.  Joy when I get to go to work and lose myself in the magical world of toddlers.  Joy!  And I know that this too shall pass.  someday I will believe I am strong again.  Someday my hand wont shake when I lift it in praise.  And for today, that has to be enough.
Friday I see my oncologist again.  Friday we are hoping for a treatment plan.  Friday I hope to regain some sort of predictability in my world again.  Friday.  Friday is coming! Once we know, I will share.

If you are feeling stress, give yourself some grace.  Allow yourself to cry the tears.  Then, remember you will find your way out of that parking garage!  (:

This song has been a source of encouragement! He knew I would not be brave or strong, he knew I would not be able to deal with the mask on my face!   But he still loves me.  He still sees the good in me.  And if he can, then I can too!    "If you don't quit you win.  Just don't give up.  Don't give in. "  Whew!

And this song is just a good reminder.... Take Courage my heart.  Stay steadfast my soul.  He's in the waiting!

And thankfully, He's also in parking garages and MRI rooms!

Prayers appreciated!
Much love!