And some days you just want to cuss....

Taxol.  Thats the name of the chemo drug that I am on now.  I really do not like it.  Really.  Do not.  For me it has been much more challenging than the first two and I am realizing that I am not up to the challenge.  I can honestly say that through all of this I have had many more good days than bad.  I have had my fair share of struggles with settling in with this to be sure.  But overall, I have had good days with happieness, peace and lots of moments of joy.  This week though, I have struggled.  As my physical abilities wane my emotional fragility amps up.  For some reason, when I hurt I am much less able to be strong or joyful. This round of chemo brought pain as well as complete numbness in my feet and partial numbness to my fingers.  Losing feeling in my feet, though "expexted" also seems to have been the last straw for me.  I got really mad, and then I got really sad.  Then yesterday, when my sweet husband got up from the table to fill my bowl for me because getting up is hard, well, then I cried for two hours. 
Grief.  Not one thing about it is predictable.  Not one thing about it makes any sense.  And it is indescribeable.  Because even though I know the trigger for me, it will not make sense to anyone.  So, I sat on my bed with my hankie and I cried.  I guess sometimes you just have to do that.  I say it to my students all the time, "the sad comes and then the sad goes again and you will feel something else."  It is true.  Sometimes you just have to sit with the sad.  Feel it, look at it, acknowledge it and only then you can make room for feeling something else.  Today is a new day and I do have a new feeling.  It is faint, but hope blooms again.  Peace reigns in my heart and home again.  The sad went...I am grateful.
I have one more round of Taxol, May 8.  And then, I AM DONE!  Chemo #8 will be finished and I move on to surgery.  I am very excited!  Eventhough I am not looking forward to the next round and am apprehensive about what it will bring, I do know that from there I will begin to  heal from the chemo. About 4 weeks after that, June 4, I will have surgery.  And guess what!?  My plastic surgeon said that she will do reconstruction the same day as the mastectomy.  WOW!  That will be a long day of waiting for my family, but I will only have to heal and recover one time.  I am so very thankful for this!  And I am ready for this next step in the fight.  Lets get this going!
Yesterday in the midst of my struggle, the verse for my devotional was this: Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 
Who?  No one I know has ever added anything to life by worrying.  Lord knows I used to try!  But in my current circumstance, this was a beautiful reminder to lay down the things that would cause me to worry.  Cancer, Coronavirus, the economy, my job, the future for my children....the list goes on and on.  Instead I lifted all of those things up to him in a conversation and then let them go.  I left them on the table of conversatoin so to speak.  I was so glad of the reminder and comforted by the process.  If you are prone to worry, try a conversation with God instead.  Its ok if you don't like him.  It's ok of you don't believe he is real, it's ok if you're not sure.  Just start talking.  I promise you, he'll show up. He'll listen.  And you will be able to put down the worry.  I promise you.  If I can find and live in peace, so can you. 
Each week people reach out to me to check in and I am so thankful!  Some who have been in my life always and some who I have loved always but lost track of in lifes business.  All of it is a blessing and I am so glad to have the contact, to know how you all are doing!  Thank you for taking the time to reach out!
Until next time, when I am all done with chemo, many many blessings on each of you!   May you seek and find joy, may peace reign in your spirit, may you discover simple things in life that set a strong foundation for you.  May you be ready to go back out into the world as it reopens!  May you spread the joy and peace you are finding!
So much love to you all.
XOXO