Day 167.....Post 10

Day 167.  That's a lot of days.  Also, hardly any time at all.  I found out 167 days ago that I had breast cancer.  The first two months seemed to drag on forever and forever, having tests done, waiting for results, meeting with doctors, seemingly eternal setbacks.  Then, finally, a solid treatment plan and we got started!   Last week I finished chemo.  I am so stinking glad to be done.  I mentioned in my last post that I was not at all fond of the last chemo drug.  Still not a fan.  I have learned more since then.  The Taxol itself is poison, obviously. They all are.  But what my body is "allergic" to is the carrier.  And these allergic reactions are partly to blame for why I struggle to recover.  I have been sick with this.  I am happy to be done with chemo.  I am more relieved though.  This has been harder than I could have anticipated and I am so glad I don't have to do it again!  

My sweet family had a cake and flowers and ginger ale when I got home from chemo last friday.  They celebrated with me because I was done.  I was so thankful.  And I am done!  But I have to keep reminding myself that being done with chemo does not mean my body has healed....The Monday following Chemo I woke up and decided that the best way to begin recovering and regaining my strength would be to clean my whole house.  ( I have been cleaning regularly, but in 15 minute increments because I have been sick and weak and have to go slow.) I was doing fairly well, though I noticed that sweat literally just rolls off of a bald head!  ROLLS!  But who cares?  Even if you are me and you hate to sweat, you're done with chemo, you've got things to do, you must go after the dust on the mantle with a vengeance!  Right?  Anyway, I was doing ok.  I swept the house and was going to finish the cleaning with a nice fresh mopping of the kitchen.  The sweat should have told me to sit down and rest.  The nausea should have told me to get a ginger ale and sip it quietly on the porch.  The raggedy breathing and pounding heart should have told me to go put my feet up and regulate my breathing for a bit.  In fact, they all did say all of those things, I just didn't listen.  And when I got the mop bucket filled and set on the floor my body just took care of itself and gave me what I needed.  Bending over caused my vision to go black and when it all came back I was sitting next to the mop bucket feeling rather grateful that it was fresh water not dirty because my face was awful close to the water!  EW!  I'm still not exactly sure what was driving me or why I thought I needed to or even could do all of that work less than 72 hours after chemo.  It was like I was training for the house cleaners olympics!  What a dork!  So, I sat down, sipped a ginger ale and texted Mark to confess my stupidity.  To his credit, he didn't get after me at all.  He's a good man, I'm lucky to live with my bestie!  I'm so thankful he is here with me through this and that he seems to still like me....even when I swan dive into the mop water....good grief!

Just a couple days after my last chemo  my life became the property of the scheduling departments of two surgeons, one oncologist, one radiologist and Rose Medical Center again!  All of the sudden my dance card is full again!  I am looking forward to surgery June 4.  But the whole gang needs to see me before I can have surgery,  I'm a busy girl!  I really am looking forward to this next step.  

I had my post chemo/ pre-op breast MRI yesterday.  I went to the same place I had my first one done.  (BTW, Womens Imaging Center....You guys rock!!! ) I was worried that I would feel some sort of PTSD walking back into the place that confirmed my diagnosis, but I did not.  I felt some sort of relief that I knew the drill!  It all went very well, and at the end of the MRI the rad tech  said things looked good.  My Oncologist will tell me all about it this Thursday at one of my 4 pre-op appointments.   Part of me is anxious to hear the official report.  Part of me is happy to be living in this odd limbo of being 99% sure that the chemo has done its job, but needing the results of this scan to confirm it.  Does that make me a chicken? I really think it might. Sometimes, just for a tiny bit of time, not knowing is ok.  The other part of me is really ready to sit down with my oncologist and hear the news. All of me is ready to move on to the plan for surgery.  

I mentioned in my first blog post that worship is what gets me through things, is part of who I am, is how I stay grounded in who I am and what I believe.  Since I started Taxol I have been less and less able to spend time dedicated to worship.  I have not sung very many notes (It is hard to sing when you have blisters in your throat and are just trying not to throw up.) I have not even had a consistent devotional time of prayer and study.  I have just been sick.  Am I making excuses?  Maybe, I don't know.  I think I'm just being honest.  Regardless, I have not been singing much.  When I went in for my MRI (this is the good place where they give you headphones and pipe music into your head for you!) I asked her just to put on some worship music.  And for 15 whole minutes I was able to just let the music wash over me and move through me.  It was there, like a promise.  It brought back to mind the first time I was there and tuly how far He has carried me in the last 167 days.  My heart sang.  Oddly, I came out spiritually refreshed.  Who knew you could have church in an MRI tube???  But it was beautiful! I'm grateful for the gift of music!

After the cleaning episode, after the MRI, after this past week of recovering from my last chemo, I'm still recovering!  It is 4 am and I am awake and blogging because the anti nausea meds are still not cutting it and I can't sleep.  BUT, it's 4 am and I am up blogging.....reflecting!  There is life in me.  I have my family here in the house (they have the sense God gave a goose and are asleep, but they are here!) And even if I don't feel well now, I will.  Soon.  Someday soon I will not need three types of anti nausea meds.  Someday soon I will be able to walk more than 1 block and back.  Someday soon the blisters on my tongue will be gone and I will be able to sing again.  Someday soon my immune system will be back and I will be able to hug my son, my parents, my friends!  Someday soon.  You know what all of that is?  That is HOPE!  In the midst of being sick and crazy I have hope.  I'm blessed!  

This song, What a Beautiful Name, is the first song that played in the MRI yesterday.  I love this song.  I have listened to this song many times.  God has used this song to encourage me on more than one occasion, and he at one point spoke very deeply to me and made me promises that have now come true through this song.  I did not ask for it by name yesterday, it was just the first song to play.  I had to smile.  Then I just let it wash over me.  Maybe you can do that too.  

This blog has been such a great outlet for me and I am so surprised and grateful that you have chosen to come along and stay on this journey with me!  Thank you so much for that!  

Until next time....when I may have NEW BOOBS!  Which reminds me, the treatment before last I sat across from a lady who had on a sweat shirt that said, "My Oncologist does my hair"  I loved it!  She told me she also has one that says, "Hell yeah these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me!"  Well....I want one of each please!  The sentiments of the second one fit me to a T!  I have felt that way since the day I was diagnosed.  I want them off of me, they are trying to kill me and I do not care for them anymore!  So, I'm gonna get some new ones!  yay!

Many blessings.  May you find a reason to sing.  Or at least find a song in your heart.

XO