This is what love looks like

The past 16 months have been some of the most challenging my family has ever experienced.  At times I have allowed myself to wallow in how bad and hard it all has been.  But mostly I have tried to find the good, find God in any situation, find joy.  That's how I choose to live.  

But December 31st challenged that in a bit way.  My dad had a massive stroke.  He had to be taken, via flight for life, to a hospital an hour away from his home and mine. As he began to recover we began to realize the miraculous nature of the situation, and he went from really not well at all to going home in just under 5 weeks.  Then, 4 days after arriving home the doctors found a "deadly" infection and he spend another 5 days in the hospital.  All his work during rehab seemed lost.  Again, he is home and beginning to gain strength and ability again.  I have every reason to be grateful, and I am.  I am also tired and worried.  

This weekend I went down to see mom and dad and try to help somehow.  

This weekend we had to acknowledge that we, as a family, need help.  Trying to manage things wasn't really getting us anywhere.  And we all felt like we had already relied on the kindness and generosity of others entirely too much.  So, deep breath in, deep breath out and ask for help.  Accept offered help.  And stand humbled and blessed receiving help. 

And as I tried to express my gratitude to those who helped us, I realized that sometimes love looks like candy and roses.  But more often love looks different.  Love looks like shiny stainless steel grab bars in a bathroom, installed with love and care so that dad is safe as he showers.  Love looks like a king sized bed, moved from a basement in Pueblo to a bedroom in Englewood, to provide space for mom to realize a long time dream of a "she shed" situation.  Love looks like a cup of coffee and an wonderful dinner, spent with family, just checking in and laughing.  Love looks like clean laundry and clean baseboards (one of my mom's love languages!) Love looks like providing time and space for mom and my niece and nephew to play games together and laugh together.  Love looks like a clean swept driveway and walkway after a nasty ice and snow storm.  Love looks like green chili enchilada's delivered by a neighbor.  I could go on and on.

But the point is, this; so many times in the last 6 weeks I have felt sad or scared or alone. but time and time again I am reminded that even though Pat isn't here, I am not alone.  Mom and dad have received more care and love than we could ever imagine or hope for.  

Love looks like so many different things, and I have witnessed such great love.  I am choosing to look at that beauty and put the sadness aside.  It will come again some day I'm sure, but I have these amazing reminders of love to look back on and remember that I am not alone.

What pictures of love have you seen lately? 

Think on that/

Grief

This was written in early March, 2023.  I wrote it and forgot about it.  

I cam back here today to write.  I would say almost the same thing today.  So, I'm publishing this today and will write more in a few days.

Grief.  It's ugly.

 Grief.  I've read tons of  beautiful quotes on grief over the years. Sometimes in my life they hit home. Other times they have helped me feel empathy for loved ones experiencing grief.  in the last 6 months I think I understand them all more deeply. 

My brother died 6 months ago.  It was a Tuesday.  The ground came out from under my feet that day.  I've been trying, fighting, hoping to find my footing ever since.  It was completely unexpected and still feels unreal.  

This past Saturday was his birthday.  He would have been 55.  He was beautiful and talented and big and strong.  He was my brother, my friend a really decent human.  He was flawed, as all humans are flawed.  But he was mine, ours, and I loved him always.  Until October 26 I had never lived a day on this earth without him.  The world is different without him.  Hollow.  I had a thought on Saturday, it makes no sense whatsoever.  But does grief make sense?  I don't think so... It occurred to me that 3 years I will all of the sudden be older than my big brother.  I wont have an older brother anymore.  

His death changes everything.  And yet we are all trying to live life like we did the seconds before he left this earth.  I don't know how to do this.  I don't want to know how to do this.  

I am awake at 1am, crying and agonizing, so I decided to write.  I don't even know if I will ever publish this.  I just needed to get this out.  

Pat

I miss you

It should be me

You should still be here

momma and daddy are devastated

Anna and Eli think of you every minute

Katy is brave and strong and lost without you

I think you took my music with you the day you died.  

I cant sing.  I forgot all the words to all the songs my heart used to know.

I love you

Rest easy

I will love you always.

My heart wont ever really heal.

J

“Grief is great. Only you and I in this land know that yet. Let us be good to one another.”

~C.S. Lewis

Time to Celebrate?

 last year I was in the infusion center waiting for my injection.  I happen to enjoy these times even though they are heavy with emotion and memory.  My chemo nurses are amazing humans and I get to catch up with them on the days I need injections.  New babies, marriages, babies are now talking and going to preschool...life has moved on and I get to hear all about it.  Think of that.  I met these ladies because I was facing death.  And now I get to hear about the way life is progressing for them and their loved ones.  This particular day though, my nurse was checking my date of birth for the 3rd time (if you've been there, you know!) before administering the meds.  She smiled brightly and said, "hey!  You will be 50 in just a few days!" I don't usually make a huge deal of my birthday so I began the obligatory noise about oh, yeah, no big deal, blah blah blah.  She stopped me short!  She said, "not here, you don't say that here!  Here EVERY year is a gift."  Boy, was she right! 

This isnt about candles on cake or focusing on a number (51 today) but it IS about the fact that I have been on this planet for one more year.  I have smiled, laughed, learned, cried, loved and lived for another 365 days longer than we thought I would.  So yes, today we celebrate.  I look back on the year and this is what I see: 

• COVID     wow!
• working after cancer and during covid.  This still provides such joy for me!  
• leaning into old friendships, intentionally deepening those roots.  I am learning what it truly means to nourish relationships. 
• even though it has not been enough, I have had precious moments with my niece and nephew this year.  I adore them, being an auntie is such a gift!  
• watching my adult children fly.  They are heartbreakingly beautiful and I am amazed that I get to be here to see them learn and grow.  And I get to hug them often.  
• Truly learning how to grow my marriage.  No marriage is perfect, but mine has gotten so much better over the last two years.  I cannot imagine how life without this man would be.  
• God blessed me with a new puppy.  I never thought I wanted a puppy, but this boy has been a fun addition to our home. We love you IKO!
• restoring lost relationships.  This is huge!  Forgive always, be open to conversations.  Restoration is such a blessing!
• meeting this tiny human, Oliver Lane.  He made me a grandma a few months back and I cant stop looking at him, talking to him and loving him! Oh my, he is IT! 

So, yes, even if 51 doesn't seem like such a big deal in itself, the fact that I am here living and breathing on the planted for this 51st year is something to celebrate!  HOORAY!   I am here!  Hooray!  Life is a gift, lets never forget to celebrate the days and years!

My birthday falls on a day that causes many folks to look at their life, reflecting on things and looking toward the future.  I would love to hear from you about what you are celebrating this day!  I would love to celebrate with you!

"I will not let cancer make me feel ashamed"

 I rememer the shame.  It was thick, heavy, dark.  I wanted to hide.  We had taken so many hits in the first few weeks of my diagnosis. They day they upgraded my diagnosi to stage IV metasatic.  It was still "treatable" and we were moving forward with the exact same treatment plan as the week before.  That didnt matter to me that day.  I apologized to Mark several times on the drive home.  I didnt even know what I was aplolgizing for....I just knew in my core that I MUST apologize.  Until he finally said, "STOP APOLOGIZING".  So I did.  But the shame lingered for a few weeks.

I had to really press in and get close to Jesus.  I had to rage and cry.  I had to sleep and stare at the wall, waiting desperately for a word of hope.  Finally peace came.  I was able to look my children, my husband, my parents in the eye without shrinking back or looking away.  That is when I was fully ready to get going on things. Until I could lay aside the shame I was not ready to fight.  Until I stuffed the shame in the garbage can I was shrinking in fear.  I am so thankful that I was able to move through it. 

Today, almost 2 years out from diagnosis, I recieved a podcast notifiation with the title I used for this blog.  I will not let cancer make me feel ashamed.  What a good reminder.  I'm thankful to be walking days and weeks and months away from this diagnosis.  But I am also thankful to be reminded of the beautiful lessons I have learned along the way.  

Today I was reminded that I do not need to carry shame for any reason.  Today I am reminded that this life I am living is a gift!  A GIFT. Medicine says I should not be in remission right now.  But I am walking in healing.  Today is a good day to take stock of things for which I am thankful.  Will you join me in making this list?

I am thankful for:

• Life in my body
• No migraine headaches any more
• my beautiful grandson
• my beautiful children ( Caleb, Bekah and now Emily)
  
• my parter in all things, Welby
• this home I am sitting in
• my parents are alive and well after a nasty bout of COVID
• my brother and sister in love
• my niece and nephew
• sweet Iko boy
• the work I do
• music in my heart
• this beautiful fall we have had 

I could go on and on.....

Life is hard right now.  I think everyone is feeling pulled and stretched to uncomfortable limits. I am tired right along with the rest of you.  This little moment has been helpful for me to refocus my gaze on what is good.  I'm not pretending all the hard bits are gone, I am simply acknowledging the many good bits that are right here in my reach.

In the podcast I listened to this morning this is what encouraged me to look at these things:

Phillipians 1:19-20 

9 for I know that through your prayers and God’s provision of the Spirit of Jesus Christ what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance.[a] 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death.

If you have prayed for me of with me while on this journey, thank you!  It is because of you that I am here today.

Make your gratititude list!  Do it now!  Life is challenging, but you can focus on the good things as well.

Blessings.

Jade

almost 1 year later....

 Well, this year has just been crazy! 

- Finishing up Chemo

- Bekah graduated

- Bilateral mastectomy

- Started back to work - in person - during COVID 19 pandemic

- Bekah started college

- Reconstruction surgery

- Back to work- in person again - after a 6 week closure

And that just gets us to December.

I have been frustrated with myself this year for feeling tired, for getting sick at times due to meds, for being weak.  So many people have told me to be gentle with myself.  I felt frustrated by that too.  And as I look at this list tears fall down my face.  WOW....This body has been through it!  And here I stand.  Weak, tired, healed but not yet fully well, working to figure out this new body I reside in.  And sometimes it just isn't pretty.  BUT, I'm standing!  

And Oh my!  I have laughed.  I get to go to work with some wonderful adults and even more wonderful children!  What a privilege it is it do the work I do.  My job is, for the most part, a place and space of joy and wonder.  I am so thankful everyday that I get to go there.  It makes it easier to get out of bed when I am sick or weak or tired. 

When I was going through treatment I remember seeing a flyer in the oncology office. It said something to the effect of, "done with treatment?  Now what?  come to this support group for more information"  that's the general sentiment anyway.  And I wondered why in the world anyone would need support in knowing what to do next.  You go live your life.....right?  Well, yes.  But not really.  Here is the 100% truth.  A year ago I was fighting stage IV (that's 4 if you don't know your roman numerals) breast cancer.  Today I am cancer free.  Today I also have to go to Physical therapy to learn to use this body I have.  Today I have to see my oncologist (whom I adore) once a month.  Today I have to take meds.  Meds that make me sick and hurt.  Meds that suppress my immune system  Today I have to have "routine" PET scans every 3 or 4 months.   Now I'm wondering if I can find that flyer somewhere!  Goodness, it's a lot to process.  And the "routine" PET scans incite a terror in me I cannot even begin to describe.  (Any survivors out there who can relate? I would love to hear from you on how you cope with this) It is completely out of my control and it is very real!  So, when my oncologist says it's time again I start the cycle again.   I have tools, and I use them.  But OH MAN!  This is work folks!  No two ways about it, staying sane and in my body for the week leading up to a PET scan is a full time job!  If you pray, I would appreciate your prayers!  If you worship, sing for me!  I deeply appreciate it.  Next "routine" PET scan on May 10.

I keep putting quotation marks around routine because these tests are anything but that!  They check you in and put you in a room that has a biohazard sign on the door with a warning.  You are invited to sit in a comfy recliner in said room. You know, the one with the warning on the door.  Then, a nurse in full hazmat gear comes in and asks if you are comfy.  Then, if you are comfy, shoots you up with radioactive dye.  I'm not joking, it comes in a stainless steel syringe in a small carrying case with foam in it.  And then they invite you to sit back, relax and take a nap while the dye pulses through your veins. Then the fun really begins as they invite you into the scan room where you get to lay down with your arms over your head (which is tricky when you've had a mastectomy) in a tube not much larger than an MRI tube.  Oh the joy!  Then, after 20 to 30 minutes, you get to get out of the tube and they tell you that you can go about your normal life....except for coming in contact with pregnant women or newborn babies.  That inspires confidence!  Generally I spend the next 4 to 5 hours throwing up....so, yeah, normal life!  (: Truly, I would love some prayer around this.  I'm not the bravest soul when it comes time for this.

And as I write this I am listening to a new album, Old Church Basement.  One song in particular

wait on you - Elevation Worship with Maverick City Music

and as I write about my very real fears I listen to these very real truths and find peace once again.   "That's what happens when you wait!"

My dear friends, this wild ride has been so challenging and so rewarding and is ongoing.  I did not realize it would be.  I figured I would end this blog because I was done.  But I'm not done yet.  And this is a really helpful outlet.  So, thanks for sticking with me on this journey!

Until next time!

Day 365

 Yep, you read that right.  365 days.  One year ago today an ER Doc told me I had breast cancer and sent me home with instructions to see a doctor soon.....So I did.  And the rest is history.  And present.  And future.  Because, what I have learned this year will forever change who I am.  My body is forever changed.  My mind is forever changed.  My heart is forever changed.  My faith has been forged in fire.  It has been pounded, reheated, reshaped, sharpened and honed into something I only thought I could understand.  I am new.  Changed, I think, for the better. Yep, 2020, stage 4 breast cancer and a pandemic have changed me for the better.

First, an update!  I had successful reconstruction surgery Friday, November 20th!  My plastic surgeon assured me that this would be easy compared to all I have been through this year.  She was right!  I slept all day Friday and all night.  I woke up Saturday feeling very well.  I have had little to no pain through it all.  I am so thankful for that!  It feels great to have the skin expanders out and the implants in.  Whew!  It is a relief to have that behind me!

Today has been an emotional day.  I woke up grateful.  I have spent the day reflecting, remembering, rejoicing and grieving.  (I said I was changed, I never said I wasn't still crazy as all get out!)  Thank you to all who have continued to read this blog and suupport me with prayer and words of encouragement. 

While I am not yet ready to say I am thankful for breast cancer, I am ready to say that I am thankful for the lessons learned walking through it.  Here are a few of the lessons Mark and I have reflected on today:

• My marriage of 27 years is better than it has been in years, thanks in large part to this diagnosis.  Mark is half my heart and I have come to treasure him in ways I did not before.  He really is the very best human!
• This diagnosis crystalized my place in "the church" or in ministry.  I had to lay it all down, and in laying it down I have been able to see that much of what I was attempting to carry was not rightfully mine to carry.  
• This walk, literally through the valley of the shadow of death, has shown me the the truth in my faith, and the holes in my faith.  I get to keep working on that!
• I have come to understand in a very deep way what friendship truly is and is not.  I hope it has made me a better friend, I know it has caused me to value those I call friend.
• worship is still how I navigate the world. (both natural and supernatural...yep, I said it! supernatural) It is just different now.  Sometimes different is hard.
• Because of COVID and the fact that my immune system is (and will always be) shot, church looks different.  I have not set foot in a church service in almost a year....that is super hard, and as pastors that is not something we ever would have considered. We "wandered" and wondered for months what we were going to do, church isnt perfect, but we both love it and are devoted to Jesus and his church.  Even if different is hard, it can be good.We still don't have answers, but feel at peace and have found a place holder to keep us going!
  
• Somehow through all of this I have been transformed.  I know it, and yet I can't really tell a difference.  Does that make ANY sense at all??  It is a very strange sensation to know in your bones you are transformed and also not really be able to pinpoint WHAT it is that has changed.   But I am transformed.  And I pray that it is for the better.  It feels very peaceful inside of me, so I take that as a good sign.
• If you are mine, I will love you harder than ever before.  So buckle up! (:
• I will no longer waste time in transactional relationships trying to make them deep. I am a human not a commodity. ( I Know some of you know exactly what I am saying!)
• Every day is to be celebrated!  EVERY DAY
• If you look for bad, you will find it.  Lots of it.  Conversely, if you look for good, you will find it!  
• I have chosen to look for good 
• Cancer has left my body, but I will always carry the marks it left.

I took some time today in my living room to just sing and praise and worship and cry.  I have honestly not cried much through this.  Today I let some tears fall.  Tears are healing.  

As I looked back over this entire blog I found that the songs I posted through the last year have truly been my anthem(s).  I have done two studies on the idea of unshsakeable faith this year, that has been an incredible thing to lean in to as I walked out this journey.  Unshakeable.  That is my new goal.  

Because I was given a stage 4 diagnosis I see my oncologist every 4 weeks.  I have blood drawn every 2 weeks, I take two hormone blockers and an oral Chemotherapy drug and I get one horomone blocker injection each month.  So there are constant reminders of the war I waged last year.  I am still learning how to fully live after this.  But that is a wonderful lesson to learn and one that I rejoice in! 

The same as the rest of the world, I will be so glad to see this dingdang pandemic end.  I want to hug my son.  I want my family.  I know I'm not alone.  I just have to be careful because of my immune system and so we are just being so so careful.   I am blessed to be allowed to work.  But because I work I do nothing else.  No grocery store (I know it sounds like a dream, but after awhile, you would be surprised at what you miss!) no farmers markets, nothing.  I'm not whining....or I'm not meaning to!  I'm just telling the truth.  I am well, I am alive, I am forever grateful.  

And.....I have my first post chemo/surgery PET scan in a month.....

I'll keep you posted.

As we all grow weary of this pandemic, I would encourage you to choose to look for good.  It is so easy to find only bad.  Please keep looking!  And when you find good, shout it out!  (:

I am digging in to Advent this month, trying to focus on the real reason I celebrate Christmas.  Because why I celebrate Christmas is how I got through this whole year! So, join me on facebook for the advent study if you choose.  It's likely imperfect, but it is honest and real and hopefully will point you to the good you maybe can't find.

It wouldnt be a blog of mine without music.

Even when it hurts - Hillsong

Take Courage - Kristene DiMarco

Goodness of God - Jenn Johnson

Defender - Jesus Culture

Do It Again - Elevation Worship

It Is Well - Kristene DiMarco

Many many blessings

It Is Well

J

I just can't believe my life!

 It's been a long time.  I've thought a lot about this blog spot and what I could or should say next.  I said a copule of posts back, I am cancer free.  I am!  Walking out this journey, I worked to stay positive.  I just knew I would get to this point.  And now that I am here I am still processing those words, cancer free.  Complete response to treatment.  Clear margins.  No need for radiation at this time.  My life has been handed back to me and it is incredible!  It is also overwhelming.  I burst into tears of gratitude at the strangest times.  In some ways I have no idea how to take this gift and make the most of it.  I am not sure how to process the magnitude of the gift I have been given.  Whew!  Gratitude.  

I have been able to go back to work and it is amazing!  I've been back for a month and students just returned Wednesday.  I have decided that to do my best to pour into the beautiful lives of these precious babies is one way I can make the most of the gift of life I have been given.  So I show up and enjoy each day!  Also, I'm worn out!  Wow!  My body was pretty broken down after chemo.  I did not realize how weak I was.  I have spent the last several weeks slowly working to build up my stamina again and the move into a place of strength again.  I'm getting there!  But dude...I'm tired at the end of the day!  

The final phase of this journey is my reconstruction surgery.  I do not yet have a date, but we are getting closer.  Skin expanders are full and in place, I know now from my oncologist what is required and I just need to make the appointment with my plastic surgeon.  It will be sometime this year.  We have met our deductible with our insurance and are bound and determined to just get all of this done in the same calendar year!  (: I'll keep you posted.  ( I know you're all waiting on pins and needles for these updates!)

Doing all of this in the midst of COVID is also very odd.  I am on three medications that compromises my immune system.  It's not qute how it was during chemo, but it is suppressed.  And while my doctors all encourage me to work and live my life they also encourage me to be careful.  So, Mark and I have made the decision to go to work and then mostly quarantine at home.  Outside of work we Zoom with friends and family.  We have not been to church in months and won't be able to go for at least a few more.  In Colorado churches are open and our home church has been holding in person services for weeks.  We miss you all!  I miss live worship!  But I do know I am not alone in that.  Many people are in the same boat.  I'm not complaining, just telling the truth.  

I woke up the other day with this passage in my heart, "The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, His mercies never come to an end.  They are new every morning.  Great is your faithfulness!"  Lamentations 3:21&22.  It is so true.  New every morning!  I am thankful.  I am blessed.  

This song! Wow!

There was another in the fire standing next to me.  There was another in the waters holding back the seas.

It has been on loop in my brain and heart for over a month now.  Mark got a tattoo journaling his part of this journey (my EKG from surgery spiraling down his arm) and he plans to get these words tattooed next.  When he told me about it I absolutely crumbled.  It is the perfect description of this journey.  

I hope it helps encourage you.  I hope it reminds you that you are not alone in whatever fight you are in!

Until next time, many blessings and much love!

And.....They're off!

It's been awhile since my last post.  Goodness!  What a month its been.  I had surgery June 4.  Everything went well, I am healing nicely, but they were not able to do the reconstruction that day.  There were some concerns about blood flow and healing.  Chemo damaged my cells.  So, I have spacers in and will have reconstrution sometime in the fall.  I think my surgeons were more disappointed in the outcome than I was!  I am so blessed to have such a caring, invested team!  They have been taking such good care of me!
Recovery has been a bit slower than I anticipated, but I am assured by all my doctors that this is quite normal and I am healing nicely.  So I am continuing to try and be patient with myself.  Oy!  Not easy.
My surgeon has mentioned twice that she is anxious to see how I feel once I am healed up.  She could not belive how heavy my breast tissue was. For real!  I cant wait either.  I'm looking forward to no back pain and no shoulder pain.  Truthfully, boobs are nothing but trouble!  ha!  I'm glad to have them gone, for ALL the reasons!
My hair has started to grow back.  In case you are wondering, it's looking like it will be salt and pepper.  more pepper than salt at his point.  But the dark is much darker than it was before it all fell out and the light is much more evenly dispersed.  This is good!  I was hoping for a full head of silver hair, but I'll take salt and pepper!  Mark is really enjoying rubbing it!  He says it feels like a kitten.  LOL!  It could be worse, so I won't complain! I'm still waiting for my eyelashes and eye brows to grow back in which is so annoying.  I don't like bald eyes!  But they are starting to come back in...slowly.  Everything Ive read says it takes  between 6 and 8 weeks forthem to come back in fully.  So by the end of summer I should have lashes again!  yay! Until then, I just wear fake lashes.  It seems foreign to me, but it works.  I like the magnetic kind rather than dealing with glue....just in case you're thinking of trying them too!  (:
And more good news, I learned that because of the response to chemo, I do not require radiation!  WOOHOO!  This is such good news.  I am looking forward to healing and moving forward.  And my plastic surgeon says that recovery from reconstruction will only take a week or so.  That is also good news.  I was thinking that it would be another 6 week recovery.   Whew!  Things are looking up.
Because I don't need radiation I have started all the post chemo and surgical treatments.  Hormone supressants.  My body is taking a bit to adjust, but side effects should wear off within 3 or 4 weeks.  Fingers crossed for that!  Headaches, nausea, dry cough (I promise, it's not Corona!  I am assured it is a side effect!) insomnia - which is why I am writing this at 2 am.  At any rate, things are moving forward and we are heading into the Life after cancer phase.  I am looking forward to that! 
I look at this situation and still marvel at how I have walked through it.  My faith is the only reason I have been able to face each day, turn every corner, sit through every appointment.  I look at the last 7 months and know that I could not have gone through it all without him.  I stand only because of him.
Psalm 118:28 says:
You are my God and I will Praise you.  You are my God and I will exault you
Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good.  His love endured forever.

This is the anthem of my heart!  I will forever give thanks!  I will forever praise.  Even in the darkest night, the hardest moments, when fear is the only thing I can hear, I will remind myself what is true.  He is good and I will praise!
Goodness of God.  I have shared this song before, but it is just so true.  All my life.....
Simple Gospel. some of the lyrics are, "I will rejoice in the simple gospel, I will rejoice in you lord."  After leading this song many times and singing it in my personal worship times I have come to fully realize, the simple gospel is Jesus.  Not the bible, not books in the bible, not doctrine or denomenational beliefs.  Jesus is the simple gospel. Jesus, his love, his life, who he is.  I love this!
So, today, I will rejoice!  It is a choice.  Always.  And choose it!  I hope you listen. they are amazing songs. They bring such peace to my soul.  I pray they will do the same for you.
I am standing eyeball deep in blessings, I am cancer free, I get to go back to work soon, I willl be feeling better soon. 

Until next time....Thank you for your support, your love and your prayers.

Blessings,
Jade

5 days and counting!

I have finished all of my pre-op appointments and am counting down the days to surgery!  People keep asking me if I'm anxoius or scared.  No, I'm not.  Perhaps it's because I don't have good sense.  But I'm just not worried.  Now, I'll be honest, I'm not looking forward to the pain that is sure to accompany such a surgery, but that will be temporary.  And I am looking forward to being 2/3 of the way through treatment!  This is a good thing and I am thankful for it! It is a life saving surgery and I am thrilled to be able to have it taken care of!
I had to have a COVID test during my last pre-op appointment.  Let me tell you, that isn't fun!  Zowie! The sweet nurse, who is dressed in full gear with a plastic face mask and all , takes a fairly long "swab" and runs it clear up your nose and into your sinuses.  Once up and in something similar to the hokey pokey happens, go right spin swab left then switch.  OY!  I was tearing up by the end.  But it is done now. YAY!
The very best news is this: I got the results back from the MRI.  The words. "complete response to treatment" appear on the written results! This means there is no cancer currently living in my body!  This is a much better outcome than any of us hoped for going in and I can say with full confidence I am healed!  My docotrs are amazed at the results!   We will continue with the full treatment plan, thats just wisdom.  But I am so relieved and so very, very thankful to go into surgery with this news!
On the way home from the Oncologist office this song, Defender came on the radio.  I had to pull off and listen and cry - again.  A good friend and fellow worshiper told me early on in this journey that this song kept coming to her mind when she prayed for me.  So I listened to it over and over like a promise and began to sing it like a prayer.  And after hearing this amazing news, I can sing it with even more truth in my heart!  I can plant my feet and sing, "you restore my faith and hope again.  And all I did was praise.  All I did was worship. All I did was stay still."  That is all I did.  Take a listen.  I truly love this song!  You will too! ( Also, I want to be able to sing like her!  (:  Life goals!  Ha!)
So, I head into surgery next week knowing that it has all been worth it and will continue to be worth it!  I didn't know how much I needed to hear those words.  But when I did hear them I felt like I had taken my first deep breath in months.  Thank you Jesus!  Words like "lymph nodes have fully normalized" will put some wind back in your sails for sure!
I hope that this encourages you. Wherever you are, whatever is happening, find a reason to be thankful.  Find a reason for hope.  Find a reason to sing! I know our world is crazy right now, but there is always something to be thankful for or hopeful about.  Look for those things!
I look forward to updating you in a few weeks on how surgery has gone!
Happy Summer Y'all!
Many many blessings

Day 167.....Post 10

Day 167.  That's a lot of days.  Also, hardly any time at all.  I found out 167 days ago that I had breast cancer.  The first two months seemed to drag on forever and forever, having tests done, waiting for results, meeting with doctors, seemingly eternal setbacks.  Then, finally, a solid treatment plan and we got started!   Last week I finished chemo.  I am so stinking glad to be done.  I mentioned in my last post that I was not at all fond of the last chemo drug.  Still not a fan.  I have learned more since then.  The Taxol itself is poison, obviously. They all are.  But what my body is "allergic" to is the carrier.  And these allergic reactions are partly to blame for why I struggle to recover.  I have been sick with this.  I am happy to be done with chemo.  I am more relieved though.  This has been harder than I could have anticipated and I am so glad I don't have to do it again!  

My sweet family had a cake and flowers and ginger ale when I got home from chemo last friday.  They celebrated with me because I was done.  I was so thankful.  And I am done!  But I have to keep reminding myself that being done with chemo does not mean my body has healed....The Monday following Chemo I woke up and decided that the best way to begin recovering and regaining my strength would be to clean my whole house.  ( I have been cleaning regularly, but in 15 minute increments because I have been sick and weak and have to go slow.) I was doing fairly well, though I noticed that sweat literally just rolls off of a bald head!  ROLLS!  But who cares?  Even if you are me and you hate to sweat, you're done with chemo, you've got things to do, you must go after the dust on the mantle with a vengeance!  Right?  Anyway, I was doing ok.  I swept the house and was going to finish the cleaning with a nice fresh mopping of the kitchen.  The sweat should have told me to sit down and rest.  The nausea should have told me to get a ginger ale and sip it quietly on the porch.  The raggedy breathing and pounding heart should have told me to go put my feet up and regulate my breathing for a bit.  In fact, they all did say all of those things, I just didn't listen.  And when I got the mop bucket filled and set on the floor my body just took care of itself and gave me what I needed.  Bending over caused my vision to go black and when it all came back I was sitting next to the mop bucket feeling rather grateful that it was fresh water not dirty because my face was awful close to the water!  EW!  I'm still not exactly sure what was driving me or why I thought I needed to or even could do all of that work less than 72 hours after chemo.  It was like I was training for the house cleaners olympics!  What a dork!  So, I sat down, sipped a ginger ale and texted Mark to confess my stupidity.  To his credit, he didn't get after me at all.  He's a good man, I'm lucky to live with my bestie!  I'm so thankful he is here with me through this and that he seems to still like me....even when I swan dive into the mop water....good grief!

Just a couple days after my last chemo  my life became the property of the scheduling departments of two surgeons, one oncologist, one radiologist and Rose Medical Center again!  All of the sudden my dance card is full again!  I am looking forward to surgery June 4.  But the whole gang needs to see me before I can have surgery,  I'm a busy girl!  I really am looking forward to this next step.  

I had my post chemo/ pre-op breast MRI yesterday.  I went to the same place I had my first one done.  (BTW, Womens Imaging Center....You guys rock!!! ) I was worried that I would feel some sort of PTSD walking back into the place that confirmed my diagnosis, but I did not.  I felt some sort of relief that I knew the drill!  It all went very well, and at the end of the MRI the rad tech  said things looked good.  My Oncologist will tell me all about it this Thursday at one of my 4 pre-op appointments.   Part of me is anxious to hear the official report.  Part of me is happy to be living in this odd limbo of being 99% sure that the chemo has done its job, but needing the results of this scan to confirm it.  Does that make me a chicken? I really think it might. Sometimes, just for a tiny bit of time, not knowing is ok.  The other part of me is really ready to sit down with my oncologist and hear the news. All of me is ready to move on to the plan for surgery.  

I mentioned in my first blog post that worship is what gets me through things, is part of who I am, is how I stay grounded in who I am and what I believe.  Since I started Taxol I have been less and less able to spend time dedicated to worship.  I have not sung very many notes (It is hard to sing when you have blisters in your throat and are just trying not to throw up.) I have not even had a consistent devotional time of prayer and study.  I have just been sick.  Am I making excuses?  Maybe, I don't know.  I think I'm just being honest.  Regardless, I have not been singing much.  When I went in for my MRI (this is the good place where they give you headphones and pipe music into your head for you!) I asked her just to put on some worship music.  And for 15 whole minutes I was able to just let the music wash over me and move through me.  It was there, like a promise.  It brought back to mind the first time I was there and tuly how far He has carried me in the last 167 days.  My heart sang.  Oddly, I came out spiritually refreshed.  Who knew you could have church in an MRI tube???  But it was beautiful! I'm grateful for the gift of music!

After the cleaning episode, after the MRI, after this past week of recovering from my last chemo, I'm still recovering!  It is 4 am and I am awake and blogging because the anti nausea meds are still not cutting it and I can't sleep.  BUT, it's 4 am and I am up blogging.....reflecting!  There is life in me.  I have my family here in the house (they have the sense God gave a goose and are asleep, but they are here!) And even if I don't feel well now, I will.  Soon.  Someday soon I will not need three types of anti nausea meds.  Someday soon I will be able to walk more than 1 block and back.  Someday soon the blisters on my tongue will be gone and I will be able to sing again.  Someday soon my immune system will be back and I will be able to hug my son, my parents, my friends!  Someday soon.  You know what all of that is?  That is HOPE!  In the midst of being sick and crazy I have hope.  I'm blessed!  

This song, What a Beautiful Name, is the first song that played in the MRI yesterday.  I love this song.  I have listened to this song many times.  God has used this song to encourage me on more than one occasion, and he at one point spoke very deeply to me and made me promises that have now come true through this song.  I did not ask for it by name yesterday, it was just the first song to play.  I had to smile.  Then I just let it wash over me.  Maybe you can do that too.  

This blog has been such a great outlet for me and I am so surprised and grateful that you have chosen to come along and stay on this journey with me!  Thank you so much for that!  

Until next time....when I may have NEW BOOBS!  Which reminds me, the treatment before last I sat across from a lady who had on a sweat shirt that said, "My Oncologist does my hair"  I loved it!  She told me she also has one that says, "Hell yeah these are fake! The real ones tried to kill me!"  Well....I want one of each please!  The sentiments of the second one fit me to a T!  I have felt that way since the day I was diagnosed.  I want them off of me, they are trying to kill me and I do not care for them anymore!  So, I'm gonna get some new ones!  yay!

Many blessings.  May you find a reason to sing.  Or at least find a song in your heart.

XO

And some days you just want to cuss....

Taxol.  Thats the name of the chemo drug that I am on now.  I really do not like it.  Really.  Do not.  For me it has been much more challenging than the first two and I am realizing that I am not up to the challenge.  I can honestly say that through all of this I have had many more good days than bad.  I have had my fair share of struggles with settling in with this to be sure.  But overall, I have had good days with happieness, peace and lots of moments of joy.  This week though, I have struggled.  As my physical abilities wane my emotional fragility amps up.  For some reason, when I hurt I am much less able to be strong or joyful. This round of chemo brought pain as well as complete numbness in my feet and partial numbness to my fingers.  Losing feeling in my feet, though "expexted" also seems to have been the last straw for me.  I got really mad, and then I got really sad.  Then yesterday, when my sweet husband got up from the table to fill my bowl for me because getting up is hard, well, then I cried for two hours. 
Grief.  Not one thing about it is predictable.  Not one thing about it makes any sense.  And it is indescribeable.  Because even though I know the trigger for me, it will not make sense to anyone.  So, I sat on my bed with my hankie and I cried.  I guess sometimes you just have to do that.  I say it to my students all the time, "the sad comes and then the sad goes again and you will feel something else."  It is true.  Sometimes you just have to sit with the sad.  Feel it, look at it, acknowledge it and only then you can make room for feeling something else.  Today is a new day and I do have a new feeling.  It is faint, but hope blooms again.  Peace reigns in my heart and home again.  The sad went...I am grateful.
I have one more round of Taxol, May 8.  And then, I AM DONE!  Chemo #8 will be finished and I move on to surgery.  I am very excited!  Eventhough I am not looking forward to the next round and am apprehensive about what it will bring, I do know that from there I will begin to  heal from the chemo. About 4 weeks after that, June 4, I will have surgery.  And guess what!?  My plastic surgeon said that she will do reconstruction the same day as the mastectomy.  WOW!  That will be a long day of waiting for my family, but I will only have to heal and recover one time.  I am so very thankful for this!  And I am ready for this next step in the fight.  Lets get this going!
Yesterday in the midst of my struggle, the verse for my devotional was this: Luke 12:25 Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to your life? 
Who?  No one I know has ever added anything to life by worrying.  Lord knows I used to try!  But in my current circumstance, this was a beautiful reminder to lay down the things that would cause me to worry.  Cancer, Coronavirus, the economy, my job, the future for my children....the list goes on and on.  Instead I lifted all of those things up to him in a conversation and then let them go.  I left them on the table of conversatoin so to speak.  I was so glad of the reminder and comforted by the process.  If you are prone to worry, try a conversation with God instead.  Its ok if you don't like him.  It's ok of you don't believe he is real, it's ok if you're not sure.  Just start talking.  I promise you, he'll show up. He'll listen.  And you will be able to put down the worry.  I promise you.  If I can find and live in peace, so can you. 
Each week people reach out to me to check in and I am so thankful!  Some who have been in my life always and some who I have loved always but lost track of in lifes business.  All of it is a blessing and I am so glad to have the contact, to know how you all are doing!  Thank you for taking the time to reach out!
Until next time, when I am all done with chemo, many many blessings on each of you!   May you seek and find joy, may peace reign in your spirit, may you discover simple things in life that set a strong foundation for you.  May you be ready to go back out into the world as it reopens!  May you spread the joy and peace you are finding!
So much love to you all.
XOXO

I can't think of anythig catchy!

Here we are!  April 15, 2020.  I am experiencing the strangest time in my life along with the rest of the nation!  No one will forget this time. COVID-19 has become very real! I am still blessed to find these days joyful and delightful!  (yes, I'm being honest) I am finding joy and comfort in the people in my home. I am finding delight in the coming of spring, sitting out on the back deck, and enjoying looking at flowers on my walks.  AND spring snow is just one of my favorite things! This is a time of pressing into God, loving my family hard and working on my home, creating a peaceful place to ride out this storm.

I am two treatments into the "new" chemo drug.  I must say, it's not my favorite. For about 10 days after treatment #5 I was in a lot of pain.  Nothing gave me relief for days. (And I gave birth naturally, twice. So I have a pretty decent pain tolerance!) Finally I found some CBD products that worked and gave me some relief.  Thank heaven! I was quite miserable. I can honestly say I lost heart a couple times and cried at Mark. I'm thankful to be through it and on the other side.

Last Friday I had chemo #6 of 8.  And it did not go as smoothly as one would hope.  This drug, Taxol, has a huge laundry list of side effects (as all of them do....they are all poison!).  The pre-chemo regimen is benadryl and a couple steroids to prep your body for the drug and hopefully cut down on the side effects.  The first round of this is usually the most troublesome if you're going to experience trouble. But this second round was the doozy for me.  About 8 minutes into the treatment I began to struggle to breathe, felt immense pressure in my chest and sharp pain in my back BUT, the chemo nurses are nothing short of superheroes and quickly set things right!  They stopped the infusion, started a saline drip, put me on oxygen and talked to me until I was able to breathe normally again. After an hour on oxygen and off the drug my vitals were good enough to try again. So we did.  And it all went well. With a slightly slower drip I was able to finish the infusion and I'm still breathing! YIKES! That was a drag. An odd thought I had as I was trying to stay calm and breathe deep, " Wow! Poison really is an effective way to kill someone!"  Well, duh! But to feel that tiny bit of negative reaction in my body really woke me up to things! Calling it a drug is just a way to make it fit in your brain and have your brain accept it as a viable option. It's poison, and it is there to kill everything that crosses its path!  And I am so thankful for modern medicine and all they have learned, to use this poison to save my life! treatment #7 of 8 in a little over a week. We are getting through this!  

On April 1 I met with my surgeon again.  We have a ballpark goal for surgery (in case you're wondering, bilateral mastectomy)  between May 29 and June 5. She does not believe COVID will prevent this, as it is a life saving procedure.  I am so excited! From the moment the ER doc said the words Breast Cancer to me I have wanted to have this surgery.  The next step in this fight. I feel ready! My body will never be the same. But it wouldn't be anyway. Let's take them off!  It's time! As soon as we nail down a date for sure I will let you know! I'm sure you are all just waiting, breathlessly for this information!  😀

Thank you to all who have called, texted, sent cards, sent a meal, dropped off food, gone to the dispensary for me (yes, someone did this before I found the CBD I now have. thats love!), mailed us masks. sent flowers and the million other ways that you all have reached out to support me and my peeps through this.  It is truly making a difference for me! I cannot remember the statistic, but I do remember reading that a woman's prognosis for survival through breast cancer is much much higher if she has a strong community of support around her. In that case, I am going to live forever! You all are just amazing and I do not have words to express my gratitude!  I am blessed to have you in my world and am so thankful!  

My oncologist continues to be very optimistic, and my surgeon expressed her similar sentiments during our last visit.  I'm so grateful for this team that I have. And I'm so thankful that I am where I need to be in this fight!  

The CBD Product I found is nothing short of miraculous for me!  If you deal with chronic pain, migraine pain or are healing from a procedure and are looking for an alternative to traditional pain relievers give them a try!  Cannabinoid Refinery is the name of the company.  Click the link to find the website.  PLEASE do not try this without speaking to your doctor.  I had full permission from mine to try any of this! I am NOT a health professional and don't even play one on TV!  Be smart folks, but if you get the go ahead, please look them up, you'll be glad you did!

A friend sent me a passage of scripture Easter Sunday that I have read hundreds of times in my life.  It is in Matthew 28. It is after Christ has risen and some of his beloved friends come across him. The scripture says that when they saw him they, "took hold of his feet and worshiped him."  I had never noticed that part before...took hold of his feet. That is what I want to do. During this time where I could easily slip into terror, when the world is just going crazy and things are so unsure for everyone, I have just been pondering taking hold of his feet.  Trying to spend more of my days in worship....because...well, what else am I doing? And why in the world would I want to be doing anything else?! Whether you are a believer or not, I encourage you to picture this. Especially if you are struggling during this time....picture this, find yourself at his feet.  I think you'll find some peace! And that is my prayer for you, peace in the midst of this storm. Whatever this storm looks like for you. Peace!

Until next time, stay well and safe, search out peace.  If you need help, reach out! I am here!  

Many blessings to you and yours!

Chemo, Corona and Quarantine

Wow!  what an odd two weeks it has been!  It feels like I wrote my last blog in a whole different world.  I pray this finds you all finding joy in your days and peace in your soul.
Peace in the midst of trouble is so important and CAN be found!  I promise you that!  If I can find peace within a stage 4 cancer diagnosis, you can find it in the midst of this Coronavirus outbreak.

• Every day find at least one thing for which you are thankful!  Start your day with this practice and it will help you move into a peaceful place.  It will aslo help you notice other things throughout your day that you can add to this list, just building on it!  When you begin to feel the strain, go back over the list.  Sometimes, especially at first, you have to do this again and again throughout the day. But thats ok!  You are building a new habit.  Soon, this will be your norm!
• When you find yourself feeling stressed/worried/terrified/anxious get up and move your body.  Changing your physical perspective will also help you to change your emotional perspective.  As you move, talk to yourself (or God!) about the feelings, but then let them go.  Oh, and , when I say talk, I mean OUT LOUD!  It really does help release those feelings from your mind and body so you can move on without holding them in you anymore!
• Find things that help set the tone for peace in your home.  My things are candles or diffusers with comforting/favorite smells, Music that I love. Often it is worship music, but often it is 80's music turnned all the way up as well!  (:  Up to you!
•  And I have started making my bed every day.  When I walk into my room now I see peace and tranquility, not mess.  If you don't do this, I highly recommend it!  
• check in with at least one person each day to see how THEY are doing!  
• Check in with at least one person a day to let them know how you are doing!
• Reach out for conversation or help if you need it.  Especially now, people may not know you need assistance, but would likely be happy to provide it!
• get outside everyday!  walk, sit in the sun, rake a patch of grass, just stand there....but get outside!  Feel the sun and the breeze on your face.  It is so important!

So there!  That is how I began coping with my isolation long before the isolation that the whole country is now experiencing.  I was doing this for 8 weeks before this.  I just want to encourage you, it does get easier and there is so much that you can control about this to help keep your mood and spirit elevated!  We can all get through this!

Yesterday I went in for infusion #5 of 8!!!!!  Yay!  And I am so happy to say that for today, I do not feel "day after chemo" effects.  I started a new drug yesterday and they said that it may be easier.  So far that is true and I could not be happier or more grateful!  My oncologist has been almost giddy the last two times I have seen him, as my body is responding to treatment very well!  That is so encouraging!

With Jesus, Chemo and all the support I have been getting I am gonna beat this!  I feel strong and confident.  Strong unless you ask me to walk up a hill....then I am pretty weak and out of breath!  (:  But working on it!

Last week I had a uique 24 hours with God.  My faith was shaken and I was afraid. So I began to cry out to him.  He took me to 1 Corinthians 13, which is all about love.  We use it in weddings a lot, or when someone we love hurts us we use it show how they have not been loving us correctly (OH wait...is that just me that does that?!?!) But this is really the model of how God loves us.  Each and every one of us!  And then, in another place in the bible it talks about how perfect love (Gods love) casts out all fear.  This is the cliff notes version of what happenned, because this took place over the course of 16 to 20 hours.  But I was so blessed and grateful for the time.  And for the reminder!  God is good.  He loves perfectly. And if I trust that and sit in that, I am not afraid!  #truth

Beautiful Things. This song is an older one, but seems very relevant for this time in my life and in the world!  Take a listen!  

So much love and grace to each of you!  Praying blessings and peace to you during this time!  

I truly have been doing the isolation thing for a LONG time now, so if you need to reach out....do it!  I understand!  XO

Blessings until next time!

Also, chemo has made my fingers feel thick and typing is rough!  I am doing my best to proof this, but please just forgive anything I have missed!  XO

My eyebrows have abandoned me!

Yep, it's true...well, mostly true. My eyebrows are jumping ship more each day!  Dang!  My eyelashes too.  Some are holding on, but they are much more thin.

Now, I have become VERY comfortable with walking around bald.  (more on this to come) But I really don't want to look like a naked mole rat or one of those horrible, bald cats. (appoligies to anyone who may own one of those) So, am experiementing with false eyelashes and desperately trying to figure out how to fill in my eyebrows without looking angry, or like a lego animation figure!  (:  Ah!  Well, I suppose it could be worse. 

Last weekend I wanted to go for a walk with a friend and could not get my scarf tied.  Could. Not. Do. It.  No idea why.  So, I did what any mature adult would do, I threw the scarf and cried. Real mature.  But grief is like that, isnt it.  You never know when it's going to hit and it won't really make sense when it does.  I am still grieving my hair for sure.  But also, just the situation.  When I first got the diagnosis I felt a deep, profound sadness.  That hit again for a bit saturday when I could not tie the stupid scarf.  But then, I called a friend who is so good at just letting me cry, not trying to fix me.  And I went to visit my other friend and we went for a walk in the beautiful weather (I think in Colorado this is called "fools spring"  But it sure has been nice to walk outside) sat on her porch and visited and by the time I got home several hours later I had come to terms with just walking around bald and was feeling much better.  Much more like me.  So, since then I have not bothered with covering my head unless it is cold.  It's very freeing!  I have gotten some odd looks.  And one grumpy old man in a parking lot today muttered an ugly comment about the state of "femininity" these days.  Well, grumpy old man, kiss it.  My bald head, my butt, I don't care which, but kiss it. I am just sassy and stubborn enough I may never let my hair grow back now.  Just for him! 

The really good news is I have been feeling great the past week!  Very few naps needed, no tylenol needed, no anti nausea meds needed.  Good stuff!  And at my last chemo infusion the oncologist could not find the tumors.  They are shrinking rapidly.  I am so thankful!!!!  This makes it all worth it.  This makes staying in the fight so much easier.  AND...the dreaded brain MRI came back clear!  WOOHOO!!!!

The MRI...what a thing.  I went to an open MRI location and it all went well.  Admitedly, I had two vallium in me, but who cares??  I did it!  I started to cry at first, but God dropped the voice of a dear friend into my head.  I could hear worship.  Then I remembered that the length of the MRI was a short worship set.  So, I put together a set list in my head and began to sing.  I belted out 3 and half songs before it was all done.  Then I went home and had a nap!  ha!  The next day we got the results, and my head is all clear!  It is so nice to be getting good reports!  Thank you Jesus!

Chemo #4 is Friday.  At the end of this session I will be half way through the chemo.  Half way!  Amazing!  After this cycle the meds change.  That will potentially change how I react to it and what my rebound time will be, but that's ok.  We are tearing through it and that is good!

This particular passage has come up for me three times in the last two weeks.  Romans 5: 3-5
 3 Not only so, but we[c] also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4 perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5 And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Hope does not put us to shame!  I will persevere, my character will become stronger, better, more beautiful through this and I will stand on hope as I walk this out! 

Every Table Is An Altar.  Such a beautiful song!  Such encouragement it has offered me this past week.  I listen in silence sometimes.  I cry my eyes out sometimes.  I belt it out at the top of my lungs sometimes....it's just good!

This song......I Know.  This song says exactly what I have been trying to say in 5 blog posts.  I shared it with a dear friend when I heard it and she said, "I feel like if I cut you, you would bleed this song."  And That is as close to correct as I can get.  "thoug my eyes have never seen you, I've seen enough to say, I know that you are good!"  Please listen.  

Continue to pray!  I know it is what is changing things.  Thank you so much for standing with us in this!  
Until next time....
Through it all my heart will choose to sing!

Yep! I'm bald....and other things.

Friday night my hair all finally came out.  After a very emotional lead up to shaving my head I quickly settled in to acceptance.  It's really not so bad.  Just COLD!  Yowza!  I really don't know how Mark and my brother (both of whom shave their heads regualarly) do it!  They don't wear fancy scarves or anything! 

I have started wearing scarves or skull caps most of the time now.  And I'm rocking some pretty fancy earrings as well.  And I never forget my lipstick if I'm leaving the house. The "getting ready" process is much shorter now, something I deeply appreciate! 
Update on the nausea: I am finally feeling better!  I lost 11 lbs in 14 days which (even if you're plus sized) isn't a good thing when undergoing chemo.  My Doctor put me on a more regimetnted schedule of anti nausea meds and my sweet hubby brought me some Gingerale and miraculously, I wanted to eat!  Thank you to all who have been bringing us meals or sending gift cards for meals!  It just makes life a bit more simple for us and we deeply appreciate all of it! 

I have been away from work for 3 weeks now.  My students are going on a field trip tomorrow.  My very favorite field trip of all time!  And I won't experience it with them.  I won't lie, I have shed a few tears over that!  I miss my work.  My students, their parents and caregivesr, my amazing co-workers, my bosses...everyone.  I miss it.  Which sucks!  But then I remember that I am lucky enough to have a job that I love so much.  I work in a place where I get to do what I love in the way I think best to do it with other likeminded professionals.  Good stuff!  So, one more reason to fight this nasty fight and get back in there!  SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE DCP PEEPS!   Much love!
I also have not been to church in several weeks.  I don't think I could be in the building and not give or recieve hugs, and I just cannot risk illness. So, I listen online to Jeremy and other pastors.  I miss Y'all!  I love Y'all!  I'll see you so soon!

Befor my last infusion the oncologist measured the tumors.  They are shrinking!  He said they would.  I believed they would.  I just didn't realize the results would come so quickly.  I am so thainkful!  All of this is much easier to manage knowing that it is doing what it is supposed to do in my body!  With the help of Chemo and Jesus I am bigger and stronger than cancer!  And with my bald head I look so tough!  (Ha!)  But really, it is working.  I am thankful and blessed.  I can do all things through Christ who gives me strenght.  All things.  Even this really sucky thing!

  The dreaded MRI has finally been rescheduled.  This Wednesday at 10 am.  I keep telling myself an open MRI will be fine.  The website says a loved one can come in and hold my hand if I am scared.  Poor Mark is on deck for hand holding while I freak the heck out.  I'll keep you posted on this fun event!

Infusion #3 on the 28th.  With only 8 treatments I am almost half way there! 

When you are here.   I love this song!  Have loved it for years.  "Our eyes are fixed upon your face.  Our hearts cry out come and have your way."  I just ask him every day to show me his face.  I can step if I can see his face.  Freedom reigns and healing comes!  What a blessing it is! 

Mark and I and the kids have been so humbled and blessed by everyone who has reached out with words of encouragement, a product they think may be helpful in our situation, meals, boxes of cheerios, bottles of lotion, jars of pasta sauce and the hundred other things that have been delivered to us.  Thank you so much for caring for me and my family in all of these ways.  Thank you for your prayers.  Thank you for you love.  We are blessed and humbled and forever grateful!  We hope to be able to repay it in kind one day!

Until next time, so much love, grace and peace!

Chemo and other fun discoveries!

6 days out of the first Chemo infusion.  Lots has changed.  Amazing how 4 hours in that chair can transform things!
The infusion center is quite peaceful.  The chemo nurses are nothing short of heroes, showing up with smiles and encouragement all around.  Lots of natural light, very lovely room.  Mark and Bekah came along and we got through it.  We had enough bags to have spent the weekend there!  Ha!  But we were prepared for almost any eventuality!  We will learn.  Next week we won't bring quite as much.

I met an amazing woman who was given one year to live back in 2003.  She is beating the odds every day.  We share an oncologist.  We share a disease.  We share a faith.  It was very encouraging!  I was able to hug her and pray with her before I left for the day.

The 3 days after chemo were not so fun.  Pain was pretty present, although after the first 9 or 10 hours I was able to get it under control and was not so bad.  Nausea was not a huge deal, but seems to be my constant companion, even now.  But I am not "sick" really. Because I do better when I put food on my tummy.   I just forget to eat (Imagine that!  This plus sized girl just forgetting about food!) and when I forget to eat I get nauseous.  And about 30 min after I eat I need to eat again or it all starts over.  Saltines live in my purse and I have a bottle of Gatorade with me at all times now!  It helps...a bit.

My hair is starting to get really dry and brittle.  I'll shave it off early next week.  Yep, that is gonna be hard.  But hard is OK.  I can do it.

I am a preschool teacher.  I have been told by my doctors to "avoid sick people".  If you have young children, know young children, have seen young children, you know that avoidance is not really a thing when it comes to illness.  And I love those little people so much!  I love to get on the floor with them, hold them in my lap, help them wipe their noses and wash their hands.  I love to offer comfort when they are sad or sick or both.  SO....Mark and I made the tough decision that I should take a short term disability.  At least through flu season. I am so bummed.  Again, I thought that I could be strong enough to just power through.  It has nothing to do with strength.  Everything to do with wisdom. So, I am out of the classroom for the next few weeks.  I am sad about that!  It just sucks!  Just one more thing I am not able to control!

If you know me even a little, you know I have a deep, abiding love for coffee!  Guess what???  Since Chemo I have had exactly half a cup.  I can't get it down.  I can't tolerate it when it is in my system.  I have become a tea drinker.....what in the wide world of sports is going on here?!?!  The whole world has, in fact, gone mad!  Also, thank heaven for Earl Grey Tea.  It has become such a comfort.

A very generous friend is paying someone to clean my house for a few weeks while I am undergoing chemo.  They came today for the first time.  Just an amazing little "God shot".  They walked in and almost immediately told me they had been praying for my healing since they heard about my diagnosis.  They asked to pray with me in the house.  It was such a beautiful moment for me.  Such a blessing and a wonderful reminder that God is still here.  He is still in this.  He is driving this boat.  I can lose my hair, my ability to drink coffee, my desire for food, but I cannot shake him or his blessings!  I never doubt it, but the random reminders are so wonderful and encouraging!

This journey is new and surprising and overwhelming and unknown.  But I am thankful for life.  Thankful for time with friends.  Reconnecting with old friends who have reached out because of this.  Deepening relationship with current friends because I am learning they just refuse to be anything but with me and supportive.  Thanks to all who are on this journey with me!  I am truly blessed!

Awake my soul to sing. Sing his praise aloud.....  this song is new to me and I LOVE IT!!!

These verses have taken on new meaning.....

Philippians 4:8-9  (NIV)

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. 9 Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me—put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you.

What is true in your world?

What is Noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent, praiseworthy?  Take a moment to mediate on those things right now!  It is just so important!

May the God of peace be with you as he is with me!

Blessings!

Hurry up and wait!

Today I had an appointment to have my first chemo treatment.  But due to some red tape (that I was warned could be possible this first time out) with pre-authorization from the insurance company, I was not able to go.  This is a temporary set back, and I already have the appointment lined up for next Friday.  But it is, we are learning, par for the course!  

From the moment the ER docs said cancer to me we have been in the pattern of hurry up and then wait until someone else tells us what to do next, then wait for their scheduler to call you and tell you when to come in, arrive 30 minutes early, wait in the waiting room for however long, wait in the exam room, wait for the scheduler in this office......you get the point.  There is lots of waiting.  I do not do well with waiting!  At least, I didn't.  Heck, I don't like to wait in line at the grocery store.  But I have learned to let all of that go because waiting has become routine.  It is just part of the deal now.  I can choose to spend my time mad about it or I can choose to just be at peace.  That is what I choose.  Peace.  A beautiful side effect of peace is joy!  They truly do go hand in hand.  So it is a win for sure!  

Lesson #4,781 from this cancer journey is that regardless of circumstance, I DO get to choose my attitude.  Joy and Peace are way better and more fun than anger and frustration!  

So, I get to start chemo next week, which means I get to spend tomorrow with my family and NOT be sick or tired.  I get to work next week and feel good!  I get one more week with hair!  YEP, I will be bald by valentines day.  (The only reason I know that date is because that will be the date of my second infusion. ) I will be shaving my head before my hair falls out.  I can control that which feels good while I'm on this ride that feels so out of my hands.  Will I get a wig?  I don't know!  I really cannot decide.  But I already have some scarves and skull caps and my Bekah has agreed to Henna my head. I'll get some huge, colorful earrings and just go with this new phase!  YIKES!  I don't want to lose my hair.  I get a little teary eyed when I think about it.  But the questions is, am I willing to lose my hair in order to save my life?  The answer is a resounding yes!  So, deep breaths in and out and get OK with bald.  It is just part of this journey.  I have to learn to embrace it!

Philippians 4:4&5 says : Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again, rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

If you pray, please pray for the grace to be gentle!  I do not want to use this as an excuse to be cranky!

The Lord is near may sound weird to you all, but for me it is a huge comfort!  He is my bestie.  he is kind, gentle, loving...I'm so thankful he is near especially during this time in my life.  

This song is a favorite. Peace!  Jesus, you silence fear!  It is so true for me.  I do not know how I would walk through this without him.   

So, I will let you know when I'm bald...I'll keep you posted.  Please keep praying! I know that is what is making this all work!

Much love!